Post by Isiah Zombie on Mar 8, 2008 10:44:32 GMT -8
The Zombie Guy Show
Attorney at Law (Part 2 of 2)
Episode: 22
Original Post Date: March 8, 2008
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Upon leaving the United States to escape his court hearing, Isiah Zombie is relaxing on the Vanilla Island Beach Resort on a warm and breezy morning...
Isiah Zombie: *sigh* ...I really let my friends down back home... I'm such a horrible person!
Servant Juan: Do you come from a very rich land?
Isiah Zombie: Well, yeah-
Servant Juan: -I want some movies, especially these ones: Osmosis Rodriguez, Jujuanna Mann, Fist Full of Pesos, March of the Pedros...
Isiah Zombie: Umm.... what? You want me to buy you movies?
Servant Juan: ...Mow the Yard, Illegal Alien vs. Predator, Non-Citizen Kane, There Will Be Enchiladas...
Isiah Zombie: I'm trying to tell you about my problem here!
Servant Juan: ...J for Juandetta, Gone with the Taco, The League of Extraordinary Juans, Million Peso Baby...
Isiah Zombie: Servant! Are you listening to me?
Servant Juan: ...The Deported, I-Roberto, Superpoor...
*phone rings*
Isiah Zombie: Shut-up and answer the phone!
Servant Juan: Yes sir! *answers phone* .....Welcome to Good Taco, home of the Good Taco. Can I take your taco?
Monkeysarefunny: (on phone) Umm.... what kind of tacos do you have?
Servant Juan: Our specialty is carne asada.
Roll EXE: (grabs phone from Monkey) Are you from Vanilla Island?
Servant Juan: Yes.... who's calling?
Roll EXE: This is Roll EXE, Attorney at Law, is Isiah Zombie there?
Servant Juan: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of our clients...
Roll EXE: Is there a zombie-looking loser who calls himself a horrible person?
Servant Juan: Si Señorita !
Roll EXE: Well put him on the line!
Servant Juan: *looks at IZ* Sir! It's for you!
Isiah Zombie: *grabs phone* Yeah.... who is this?
Roll EXE: It is I, Roll EXE, your Attorney at Law. You've peeved me, Isiah. Leaving the country was quite a cowardly thing to do.
Isiah Zombie: But it was the right thing to do.
Roll EXE: Correction: it was the wrong thing to do.
Isiah Zombie: And by wrong do you mean very very right?
Roll EXE: We don't have time for this washed out chatter! I need you to get back to the court so that I can continue my winning streak!
Isiah Zombie: So... this is just about you and your winning streak, shah?
Roll EXE: Of course not... I've just never lost a case.
Isiah Zombie: Yes, you've said that. Actually... you know what? I think I will go back to the states... but only because I feel like a horrible person!
Roll EXE: Yay! To the court roooooom!
*IZ vanises in a puff of smoke to the court room*
Servant Carlos: *walks in* Donde esta el zombie?
Servant Juan: Se fue de la isla
10 minutes later, at the courtroom...
Isiah Zombie: *appears in a puff of smoke* Wow.... this whole time I could've just traveled in smoke rather than buying flight plans or magic carpets...
Roll EXE: Isiah, it's a good thing you showed up.
Isiah Zombie: Sorry I'm late, but I wasn't on time.
Roll EXE: I concur, indeed. The judge is about to make his first appearance, try not to look so impotent.
*Judge walks in*
Judge: Let us all rise for the Pledge of Allegiance........ ah screw it - let's get to the case. Who will present their case first?
The Heartless: I will, your honor. I call Leo the Vampire to the stand. But first, let me introduce myself. Hi, I am TheHeartless, otherwise known as the man with the heart made out of gold. Why you ask? Because I can simply afford it.
Leo Vampire: Pssst. Start asking me questions.
The Heartless: I have helped millions of people like you sue millions of other people like them. I take many vacations, and other days off too, but I will be here when you need me.
Judge: You take many vacations?
The Heartless: ...Unless I have to go to school or something. I charge whatever, depending on the case. But I will only charge you if you win of course. Good Day Sir!
Judge: Where do you think you are going??
The Heartless: Oh, that's right, to the questions. Let me begin: Leo, isn't it true that you were hit at an intersection one week ago by that man over there? *points to IZ*
Leo Vampire: That is correct.
The Heartless: Isn't it also true that Mister Zombie did not have his "pimp-mobile" insured?
Leo Vampire: That is also correct.
Roll EXE: ...Making an official statement like that is beyond beyonditude...
The Heartless: .........I call ISIAH ZOMBIE to the stand!!
Isiah Zombie: Huh? Me? Uhh... okay *walks up to stand*
The Heartless: Isn't it true, IZ, that you crashed into Leo's car last week?
Isiah Zombie: ...
The Heartless: Don't "..." me!
Isiah Zombie: I may or I may not have, what's your angle?
Judge: Just answer the question, Mister Zombie!
Isiah Zombie: Yes.... I did crash into Leo's car.
The Heartless: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Isiah Zombie: They were pretty close.
The Heartless: Was your vehicle insured?
Isiah Zombie: No.
The Heartless: Do you see my point here?
Isiah Zombie: Umm... you seem to lack lawyer skillz?
The Heartless: No, I just proved that you're guilty.
Isiah Zombie: I still don't know what your point is.
The Heartless: I "roll on the floor laughing" to that.
Isiah Zombie: I "don't care how you react" to that.
The Heartless: Here's what I see: ...YOU drove an uninsured car... YOU crashed into Leo's car... YOU made an illegal turn on a "no-left turn" intersection... even thought the sign had GIANT-ASS FONT...... YOU SIR ARE UNDENIABLY GUILTY!!
Leo Vampire: I agree. So how much does IZ owe me?
Roll EXE: .........OBJECTION!!
Judge: Oh that's right, we have to hear the other side too.
Roll EXE: I call for a 15-minute recess...... and I shall return with compelling evidence that will turn this case upside down!
The Heartless: Heh heh heh.... this should be interesting.
Judge: Okay, but you only have 15 minutes.
Meanwhile, amongst the courtroom crowd, Monkeysarefunny and Admiral Donutz are watching and waiting...
Monkeysarefunny: *yawn* ....Man this case is boring.
Admiral Donutz: I hope IZ wins today.
Monkeysarefunny: Want to get some sushi instead?
Admiral Donutz: No. I'm not in the mood for Mexican.
Monkeysarefunny: ...You take no joy in life, do you?
Admiral Donutz: Psh.... do YOU take any joy in life?
Monkeysarefunny: Yes........ very yes.....
Admiral Donutz: Like when?
Monkeysarefunny: Like now. I WOULD be telling some jokes right now, but the problem with lawyer jokes is that lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
Admiral Donutz: Ah.
*Roll EXE walks back in*
Roll EXE: Ta-da! Here I am! Rockin' like a HURRICANE!
Judge: Oh good, you're back. Now where's the evidence that you promised to show the court today?
Roll EXE: Oh don't worry, I'll present the evidence. However, foremost, I want to call a witness to the stand.......... I call Monkeysarefunny to testify to the court!
The Heartless: *Le Gasp!* ...
Monkeysarefunny: Yay! I'm relevant again! *walks up to stand*
Roll EXE: Tell me, Monkey.... is 'Monkey' your real name?
Monkeysarefunny: I hope so - or else I've been receiving someone else's mail for the past few years.
Roll EXE: I see..... so could you tell the court today what you were doing one week ago at the time of this incident?
Monkeysarefunny: I was on the interstate.
Roll EXE: .....So you couldn't have been at the intersection where the collision took place, could you?
Monkeysarefunny: Oh wait, did I say I was on the interstate? I meant I was on the internet.
Roll EXE: ...Idioms are wasted on the internet... anyways, isn't it true that you were with Isiah when the crash occurred?
Monkeysarefunny: Oh, oh yeah........ good times.
Roll EXE: Isn't it also true that you were distracted just minutes prior to the collision?
Monkeysarefunny: Umm... not that I can remember...
The Heartless: Where are you going with this, Roll? You can't 'prove wrong' people without any real 'proof.'
Judge: I agree, where's the evidence you promised us?
Roll EXE: Your eagerness will only hasten your demise. The evidence I have here will prove that Isiah had a perfectly justifiable reason to crash into Leo the Vampire's car!
Crowd: OH SNAP!
Roll EXE: Here is my evidence! Take that! *presents photo*
The Heartless: Hahahaha! What the hell? ......... HAHAHHA!
Judge: What is this I don't even...
Leo Vampire: Heh... I accept payments of cash or credit.... send me my winning money now!
Roll EXE: Not so fast, Leo. Before anyone claims victory, I want to ask my witness one more question. Monkey; is this the same tree that flipped you off one week ago from today?
Monkeysarefunny: Uhh... yeah.... but I don't see what this has to do with anything...
Roll EXE: Referring back to the state laws of this town.... "No tree shall make any hand gestures while standing on duty."
The Heartless: That's..... that's a law?? How come I never heard of this?
Roll EXE: The documentation of the document was very well documented.
The Heartless: What? This is REAL LIFE not an episode from Law and Order!
Roll EXE: Well, that show DID win an Emmy but......... WHATEVER.....
The Heartless: That tree doesn't even seem to be doing anything offensive.
Roll EXE: ...Its been flipping people off for about a week now.
The Heartless: Trees don't have any fingers. There's no possible way to make sure that this particular tree was giving the middle finger, right?
Roll EXE: So you're telling me that Mickey Mouse can't flip people off because he only has four fingers??
The Heartless: Yeah.... that's exactly what I'm getting at....
Roll EXE: True, however, if the tree was giving a thumbs up sign that would also be considered a hand gesture.
The Heartless: How could anyone find a thumbs gesture offensive? *gives thumbs up* See? What was wrong with that?
Monkeysarefunny: Dude, seriously, stop it - that pisses me off.
Roll EXE: The law was created to stop trees from distracting people on the road. Here is an example why!
Leo Vampire: *cough* Let's rise against this fascist regime! Oh wait! It's only IZ! Pass me a fricken bone here! I can get back at you whenever I want... *vanishes in a puff of smoke*
The Heartless: Well, IZ still has to pay money for being uninsured.
Roll EXE: Yes, Isiah does have to pay for that.
The Heartless: So, we're settled?
Roll EXE: I don't know, ask the Judge.
Judge: Hmm..... I can't get my eyes off of this tree photo here.....
Isiah Zombie: Ummm.... wow.... Monkey's observance of the environment actually saved the day.
One day later, back at BB's Shanty....
Isiah Zombie: So you see, BB, that's why we were gone yesterday.
BigBoss: Wow! Really? Tell me that story again from the beginning! ...... Psh....... you woke me up just to tell me that crappy story?
Admiral Donutz: Well it was a good story. Based on true events.
Monkeysarefunny: So.... IZ.... how do you plan to pay back Leo for his wrecked car?
Isiah Zombie: Don't worry *thumbs up* I have a plan.
BigBoss: ...Which is?
Admiral Donutz: Yes, please, tell us your plan.
Monkeysarefunny: Like now! Hurry!
Isiah Zombie: The plan is simple..... like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
BigBoss: But you don't have a brother-in-law.
Admiral Donutz: Which means you don't have a plan either?
Monkeysarefunny: Yep, that's typical IZ right there.
Isiah Zombie: No, I do have a plan. The plan is this: get a new job to get more money.
BigBoss: ........Well... ummm.... that was anti-climactic.
Admiral Donutz: But it's a happy ending !
Monkeysarefunny: Happy shnappy..... you really know to ruin a good story, IZ.
Isiah Zombie: But I thought it was-
Monkeysarefunny: -Shut up, no one likes it when you talk.
Isiah Zombie: ...