Post by Isiah Zombie on Jun 7, 2008 9:57:46 GMT -8
The Zombie Guy Show
Clinical Checkup
Episode: 35
Original Post Date: June 7, 2008
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Isiah Zombie and Monkeysarefunny are in their apartment one morning...
Isiah Zombie: It's true Monkey, one time I had sex with a girl.
Monkeysarefunny: And then you woke up? Haha.... old joke, I know.
Isiah Zombie: No..... she woke up.....
Monkeysarefunny: Wait, you mean, she was unconscious while you were doing her?
Isiah Zombie: No... I screwed this chick..... with a screwdriver....... because she had a hold on my nuts... so I just had bolt her down. Good thing I work like a powertool down there. AM I RITE?
Monkeysarefunny: Dude, that's lame. Get a girlfriend.
Isiah Zombie: DO YOU even have a girlfriend?
Monkeysarefunny: YES! Of course I do!
Isiah Zombie: Then what's her name?
Monkeysarefunny: ...Dammit! ......I should know this!
*Admiral Donutz walks in*
Admiral Donutz: Here Monkey, your Playboy subscription arrived.
Monkeysarefunny: About time!
Admiral Donutz: ...Guys. I have some bad news. My dog Buster has a problem.
Isiah Zombie: Has he been drinking from the toilet again?
Admiral Donutz: No.
Isiah Zombie: Then why are their lick stains in the toilet?
Monkeysarefunny: *cough* .....Umm..... so what's the problem with your dog?
Admiral Donutz: He has "canine liver disease," and if he doesn't get surgery soon then we might have to put him down. But the problem is that the surgery costs a lot of money...
Isiah Zombie: How old is you dog anyways?
Admiral Donutz: He's 17 years old in dog years.
Monkeysarefunny: ...So close to being legal too
Isiah Zombie: We could perform the surgery ourselves to save on money.
Admiral Donutz:
Isiah Zombie: ...But since that's illegal, we should take him to the veterinarian instead.
Admiral Donutz: You would pay the money to keep Buster alive
?Isiah Zombie: Of course - it's Monkey's turn to pay for medical expenses anyways.
Monkeysarefunny:
Uhh... I have to pay for this? I mean, the dog is old to begin with, right? Couldn't we just let nature take its course? It's the way God intended to be.Admiral Donutz:
Monkeysarefunny: ...I'm just saying, when I turned 17 that's when I started to fall apart too.
Admiral Donutz: If you don't pay for the surgery then I'll cancel your subscription to playboy!
Monkeysarefunny: Why do you gotta go there.... Fine, I'll pay, but remember: what goes around comes around.
Isiah Zombie: Yeah, like boomerangs.
Admiral Donutz: Yay! *does big city dance and sings* ....My dog is gonna get better! My dog is gonna get better! Woo!
Isiah Zombie: Alright man, stop it. You're starting to act like a game show contestant...
One hour later, at the Hospital, the trio bring in Buster the Dog and walk into Dr. Bumtickle's Office...
Isiah Zombie: Hello there, Dr. Bumtickle.
Dr. Bumtickle: Hello.
Admiral Donutz: Hey! Do you remember me from last time?
Dr. Bumtickle: No.
Monkeysarefunny: What about me?
Dr. Bumtickle: Still no.
Isiah Zombie: You do work with animals, right?
Dr. Bumtickle: Yes, my receptionist is a *****. Now if you're asking me if I work ON animals, then the answer would be yes aswell.
Admiral Donutz: Ah, well I brought my dog Buster who has canine liver disease. You can help him out, right?
Dr. Bumtickle: *picks up and holds Buster* ...Wait in the waiting room. I need to examine him alone.
Admiral Donutz: So you think he's going to be alright, then?
Dr. Bumtickle: I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to put him down.
Admiral Donutz: What?? Just because he's cross-eyed??
Dr. Bumtickle: No, because he's bloody heavy.
Admiral Donutz: Oh, okay. So can we wait in this office?
Dr. Bumtickle: I said wait outside! They don't call me Dr. Bumtickle for nothing!
Isiah Zombie: I think it would be best if someone stayed and watched Buster in here.... you know, for support?
Dr. Bumtickle: Alright Mr. Zombie, pull down your pants, bend over and say "Ahhhh."
Admiral Donutz: What? Why would you examine IZ?
Dr. Bumtickle: They don't call me Dr. Bumtickle for nothing
Monkeysarefunny: Yes, you've said that already... heh heh...
Dr. Bumtickle: Listen, this is what I'm going to do: I will perform the surgery on Buster, while Mr. Zombie stays and watches. It would be best if the owner of the dog stayed outside.... just in case it doesn't work out. Understood?
Isiah Zombie: I still think that "good health" is merely the slowest possible rate at which a person can die...
Several minutes later, Admiral Donutz and Monkeysarefunny have stepped outside to the waiting room. Dr. Bumtickle, Isiah Zombie, and Buster are still in the office...
Dr. Bumtickle: Okay, I'm about to perform the surgery on the dog.
Isiah Zombie: Sweet. I'll just lay down on this other bed over here...
Dr. Bumtickle: Yes, just like that. Now take some of this local anesthetic and place it over your mouth... it should make you fall asleep too.
Isiah Zombie: Uhh, okay.... *puts on local anesthetic* Eh... nighty night ...ZZZZ ...zzz... ZZZZ...
Meanwhile, outside the office...
Admiral Donutz: So you're sure you can pay for this surgery?
Monkeysarefunny: Hmmm... where's my wallet?
Admiral Donutz: What did you just say?
Monkeysarefunny: *searches pockets* ...I feel like I've lost something.
Admiral Donutz: Was it your virginity?
Monkeysarefunny: Nope, I still got that.
Admiral Donutz: Well then what is it?
Monkeysarefunny: I think my wallet is missing.
Admiral Donutz: Dammit MAF! I thought you were smarter than this!
Monkeysarefunny: Hey man, I'm smart when I choose to be.
Admiral Donutz: Do you remember where you were yesterday??
Monkeysarefunny: Yesterday I took a dump. No really.
Admiral Donutz: So you can't remember where you lost it?
Monkeysarefunny: Everyone has a photographic memory... but some people just don't have any film.
Admiral Donutz: You and your stupid amnesia! You're just a dirty, smelly monkey!
Monkeysarefunny: I may be a dirty, smelly monkey, but I'm a dirty smelly monkey with appeal!
Admiral Donutz: ....Damn!
Monkeysarefunny: Double Damn!
Admiral Donutz: Triple DAMN!
Monkeysarefunny: Bibbity bobbity boo...
Several minutes later, in Dr. Bumtickle's Office...
Dr. Bumtickle: Yes! My operation is complete!
Buster: Woof....?
Isiah Zombie: Wow....
Dr. Bumtickle: I've finally done the impossible! Nobody said I could do it, but I did it! Yes I did!
Isiah Zombie: What is this? I have a human body now...?
Dr. Bumtickle: Yes! I have successfully transfused two separate bodies! The mind of a human has been traded with the mind of a dog! Buster, you are now Mr. Zombie! And Mr. Zombie, you are now Buster!
Buster: Ruff ruff! (What the hell just happened?)
Isiah Zombie: My name is Buster.... and I have at last escaped the imprisonment of living in a dog's body! Fantastic! I can finally read the works of William Shakespeare, Plato, and Charles Dickens!
Buster: Rawrrrrr! (No! I'M the real IZ!)
Dr. Bumtickle: My work here is done!
Isiah Zombie: Excuse me doctor, before you leave, let me just inform you that your picture of Stalin riding a Year-3 Limited Edition Starflower inside a German concentration camp was both upsetting and historically inaccurate.
Dr. Bumtickle: You're supposed to be a dog. No one cares.
Isiah Zombie: Also, I no longer have the need to pant. I can finally sweat through my sweat glands! Thank you doctor!
Dr. Bumtickle: You fool... dogs don't pant. That's because dogs don't wear any pants.
Buster: Ruff RUFF Woof! (What about me?? I can't live in a dog's body forever!)
Isiah Zombie: Is this procedure permanent, doctor?
Dr. Bumtickle: No, it's not. You should return to your normal body naturally in one week.
Isiah Zombie: What? YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT!
Dr. Bumtickle: I'm almost positive I did.
Isiah Zombie: NUH-UH!
Dr. Bumtickle: Oh.... that's right. You were asleep when I told you.
Isiah Zombie: Well I don't like this one bit!
Dr. Bumtickle: ...Even though you do?
*Donutz and Monkey walk in*
Monkeysarefunny: What's crackin', little *****es?
Admiral Donutz: Is the surgery over? Was it a success?
Dr. Bumtickle: Yes, as a matter of fact it was. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to deal with the man in the waiting room who is dealing with chronic diarrhea.
Monkeysarefunny: Oh yeah, I saw him in the waiting room.... he looked like he's had diarhea for 5 days.
Admiral Donutz: Yeah, his wife looked like that, too.
Monkeysarefunny: Nah, she looked like she's recuperated.
Isiah Zombie: Ahem, if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that the fifth one enjoys it?
Dr. Bumtickle: Actually, 9 out of 10 people agree that out of 10 people, 1 person always disagrees with the other 9. Anyways, my client's a moron, that's not against the law, is it? *walks out*
Buster: Woof Woof! (Guys! Help me out!)
Admiral Donutz: Yay! Buster's healthy again!
Monkeysarefunny: That's awesome. So IZ, how was the surgery like? Was it gruesome? Was there blood and guys flying all over the place?
Isiah Zombie: I was asleep, and I think Isiah Zombie was too - err, I mean "Buster" was too. Heh heh heh....
Buster: *howls* (Noooo!)
Several minutes later, back in the waiting room...
Admiral Donutz: Great, now how are we supposed to pay for this surgery?
Monkeysarefunny: You could just pay over the phone. But make sure to read the small text. Or in this case, the low whisper.
Isiah Zombie: I believe I am getting the feeling of hunger inside me.
Buster: Woof Woof... (Me too...)
Admiral Donutz: Remember: never trust a dog to watch your food.
Nurse: *approaches* ...Are you embarrassed by the size of your evil? You can enlarge it today!
Monkeysarefunny: Uhh... seriously? Okay.
The Nurse and Monkey walk off...
Isiah Zombie: I'm hungry, and this surgery only lasts one week. I need to get rid of my old dog body, so.... Let's eat the dog "Buster" for lunch today
!Admiral Donutz: What? IZ you're crazy.
Isiah Zombie: If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made of meat?
Admiral Donutz: I don't eat meat anymore. I want to become a vegetarian starting now.
Isiah Zombie: Can vegetarians eat animal-shaped crackers?
Admiral Donutz: Not that I know of.
Isiah Zombie: If vegetarians can eat vegetables, then what do humanitarians eat?
Admiral Donutz: I don't know... are you a cannibal or something?
Isiah Zombie: I hear that cannibals don't eat clowns because they think taste funny.
Admiral Donutz: *looks at IZ* I agree. But I smell a start of a fight.
Isiah Zombie: *looks at Donutz* I agree. But I smell bacon. Yummy yummy yummy!
Admiral Donutz: Oh wait a minute... how am I supposed to attract other vegetarians like me?
Isiah Zombie: Make a noise like a wounded vegetable. Get it? Because "vegetarian" is an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter"? Get it? Huh? Get it?
Admiral Donutz: I'm sure they serve food for vegetarians in this hospital, because I hear that their cows only eat grass.
Isiah Zombie: We really should start eating the dog... Dr. Bumtickle made a threat against me. He said that if we don't eat the dog, then he will do something involving my ass and his thermomentor.
Admiral Donutz: ...
Isiah Zombie: ...I know. Why he would want to use his thermometer is beyond me.
Admiral Donutz: You're starting to creep me out, IZ. Anyways, here Buster! Go fetch the bone! *throws bone*
Isiah Zombie: *chases after it* YEAH! Err..... wait, I'm not supposed to be doing this, right?
Buster: Wuff wuff... (Heh, what a looser...)
Admiral Donutz: Although I think I may have to get Buster neutered.
Buster: RAWRF?? (NOOOOO! Don't cut my sack!)
