Post by Isiah Zombie on Jul 12, 2008 8:59:42 GMT -8
The Zombie Guy Show
Stand-Up Comedy
Episode: 40
Original Post Date: July 12, 2008
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Isiah Zombie and Admiral Donutz are in their apartment one morning...
Isiah Zombie: ...And that's why I get afraid every time I see milk that comes in little packages. So what about you, Donutz? Have you ever done anything dangerous in your life?
Admiral Donutz: Yes. One time, I ate a hot dog bun, without a hot dog in it. Damn I am DANGEROUS!
Isiah Zombie: I got two words for you: "Oh", "My", and adding a third: "GOD!"
*Monkeysarefunny walks in*
Monkeysarefunny: HUZZAH! I finally got chosen to do my dream job!
Isiah Zombie: The local circus in town finally accepted you? Congrats.
Monkeysarefunny: Hell naw! I get to work Friday nights at a local bar doing Stand-Up Comedy!
Admiral Donutz: I bet that you'll do so bad that everyone will sit down.
Monkeysarefunny: Right... there's only one problem though.
Isiah Zombie: Let me guess, it turns out that to perform your job well, you actually have to be funny.
Monkeysarefunny: Um... no, this Friday is Duo-comedy, so I kinda need a partner...
Admiral Donutz: Yay! Take me! My mom always said I was the funniest looking kid on the block!
Monkeysarefunny: I was kinda thinking of inviting someone else...
Isiah Zombie: ...
Monkeysarefunny: So... IZ... are you busy this Friday?
Isiah Zombie: What? You want me to be your partner for this shtick?
Monkeysarefunny: Yes! C'mon man! You OWE ME!
Isiah Zombie: I owe you for what?
Monkeysarefunny: Psh... alright then.... I'll owe you.
Isiah Zombie: And what happens if I do a bad job?
Monkeysarefunny: Then your picture goes up on the wall of shame.
Isiah Zombie: ...But that wall is in my room.
Monkeysarefunny: Exactly.
Later that week, on Friday Night, at the local Bar, IZ and Monkey are behind the curtain...
Isiah Zombie: Alright, so what's the deal?
Monkeysarefunny: Okay, we're gonna go up first. This is our chance to make it to the top. Just think of all that can come of this: celebrity status, hot chicks, and a hell of a lot a booze.
Isiah Zombie: Nothing that I don't get already.
Announcer: Welcome everybody to our Friday-Night-Stand-Up-Comedy! Our first performance tonight is from a comedy team composed of a monkey and a zombie! So let's hear it for them!
Crowd: YEAZ!
IZ and Monkey walk onto the front stage.
Monkeysarefunny: ...Sup everyone?
Isiah Zombie: Who's ready to laugh it up?
Crowd: ...
Monkeysarefunny: So, yeah, the other day my mom was asleep, and she farted so hard she woke herself up.
Crowd: ...
Isiah Zombie: Umm... yeah... hey Monkey! That's a nice shirt you got there!
Monkeysarefunny: Indeed! I must've bought it by mistake!
Crowd: ...
Isiah Zombie: So Monkey, when did you get your first growth spurt?
Monkeysarefunny: When I first saw your mom! KA-POW!
*cricket-cricket*
Isiah Zombie: Wow, tough crowd.
Monkeysarefunny: Hmm... I gotta think of something here... *pulls out envelope from shirt* Hey IZ! I got this letter in the mail today!
Isiah Zombie: What's in it?
Monkeysarefunny: I don't know... I can't get it to open! Dammit! Why is this envelope so hard to open?
Isiah Zombie: Maybe because it's designed to stop children from getting a go at it?
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah, that's why you would need a KNIFE to open it instead...
*tumbleweed*
Isiah Zombie: So yeah! I can't believe it's already been nine months since I dropped out of school!
Monkeysarefunny: Get outta here! You know you can't believe it's already been nine months since you dropped out of school?
Isiah Zombie: That's right.
Monkeysarefunny: That's right?
Isiah Zombie: Stop repeating everything I say.
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah, maybe I will stop repeating everything you say.
Crowd: Booo! Last week's show was better than this!
Isiah Zombie: ...Better? Better??? According to who?
Everyone: EVERYONE!
Isiah Zombie: Oh...
Several minutes later, at the main bar, after being kicked off the stage...
Isiah Zombie: Hey bartender, slide over another Hennessey's Cognac for me...
Bartendar: You kidding me? After that show you just did? I'd rather serve a undead baboon before I serve you again! *walks away*
Monkeysarefunny: Thanks for ruining my big chance at being known as the second Dane Cook.
Isiah Zombie: Who cares... I mean, EVERYONE is funny. That bothers me. I don't like to do things everyone else does.
Monkeysarefunny: Well, everyone else also BREATHES. Maybe you should be a real outcast and stop breathing too.
Admiral Donutz: *joins bar* Wow... that performance was hard to watch.
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah, tell me about it...
Admiral Donutz: You should've let ME go up on stage. I would've said some of my funniest jokes, like my personal favorite: I'll find my frog, who took my frog, who found my frog.
Monkeysarefunny: That's not even remotely funny... also, I only got hired to do two shows, and based on those ratings, I would get hired to do more...
Admiral Donutz: Okay then! Next week I will go on stage with you and we will win the first prize together!
Monkeysarefunny: But it's not a contest.
Admiral Donutz: Shut-up! You're not going to win with that attitude!
One week later, back at the bar, on Friday Night...
Announcer: Welcome everybody to our Friday-Night-Stand-Up-Comedy! Our first performance tonight is a single performance by Isiah Zombie! You all remember him from last week, right?
Crowd: BOOOO!
Isiah Zombie: *nervously walks onto stage* ...Hey everyone... you know, times sure have changed. I mean, every generation has their own slang terms. Like the word "nasty." Is that supposed to be good nowadays? I can't remember. Crazy kids... *snaps suspenders*
Crowd:
CHEESY!Isiah Zombie: So... umm, a neutron walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender promptly serves a beer. The neutron asks, 'How much will that be?' The bartender then replies, "For you? No charge." .......Get it? Because neutrons don't have any charge?
Crowd: BOOOOO! .....You better watch your back now!
Isiah Zombie: Oh ****! *runs off*
Announcer: Our next performance is from a comedy team composed of a monkey and a guy who calls himself a donut! Let's hear it for them!
Crowd: ...
Monkeysarefunny: *walks on stage* Hello everyone! An interesting thing happened to me on my way over here. I saw the cops! I said to myself, "Oh great, now I gotta drive safely!"
Crowd: ...
Admiral Donutz: *accidentally trips onto stage* ...Oww...
Crowd: ...Heh...
Admiral Donutz: *stands up* Well, hello everyone! I'm new here. Let me tell you a story about what happened to me last week. I was at a baseball field, then I looked up into the sky, and I saw a round object getting bigger and bigger. I was wondering what it was... and then it hit me..... it was a baseball.
Crowd: ...Hahaha...
Monkeysarefunny:
WELL ONE time, my girlfriend ate my keys and locked me in the closet. Then she said, "That's the key to success!"Crowd: Boooooo...
Admiral Donutz: Did you know that each year, more people are killed by teddy bears more than by grizzly bears?
Crowd: HAH!
Monkeysarefunny: ...Did you guys know that I have a money fetish? Get it? Because I'm poor?
Crowd: Booooo! You still suck... possibly more this time.
Admiral Donutz: I'll find my frog, who took my frog, who found my frog.
Crowd: HAHAHA! *chants* Donutz! Donutz! Donutz!
Monkeysarefunny: ...D-Did you guys hear about the oldest 30-year old? He was so old that he-
Crowd: -Donutz! Donutz! Donutz!
Later that night, at the bar...
Monkeysarefunny: What the hell, Donutz?? You completely stole my thunder!
Admiral Donutz: Hey, it's not my fault I'm hilarious. Now all I need is a good girlfriend to compliment me.... but all the girls I know of are fakes or horrible mutants who most likely took a bath in corrosive acid...
Monkeysarefunny: An essential part of maintaining a relationship is being attractive.... you aren't.
Isiah Zombie: *joins bar* Okay, tell me if this is funny: Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first says, "Yes, I'm positive." .......Get it? Because electrons are positive?
Monkeysarefunny: Honestly, I expected humor. Sadly, I was dissapointed.
Isiah Zombie: *hand on chin, nodding head* I agree.
One week later, back at the bar, on Friday Night...
Announcer: Welcome everybody to our Friday-Night-Stand-Up-Comedy! Our first performance tonight is by Admiral Donutz! You all remember him from last week, right?
Crowd: YEAZ! Whoo-hoo!
Admiral Donutz: *walks onto stage* Well, hello everyone! Let me talk to you about one of my friends. My friend is so small and tiny, that when you first hear his voice, you would have no idea as to whom or wuhtuhfuh was making that sound!
Crowd: HAHAHA!
Admiral Donutz: Yeah, now let's talk about the internet. 80% of the interent is "cartoony" images which are sure as hell not suitable for children!
Crowd: *knee-slapping laughter* HAH! HAH!
Admiral Donutz: So anyways, my friend says that a group of unicorns is called a blessing. I mean, that’s like calling yourself a forest when you’re only one tree!
Crowd: HAHAHA! *laughing so hard they're tearing up*
One week later, back at the bar, on Friday Night...
Monkeysarefunny: So your celebrity status got us front-row seats to tonight's Stand-Up?
Admiral Donutz: Yep. Cool, huh?
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah.... at least something good came out of all this....
Announcer: Welcome everybody to our Friday-Night-Stand-Up-Comedy! Our first performance tonight is a single performance by Isiah Zombie! Again!
Isiah Zombie: *walks onto stage* So what's the deal with the bartender's outfit in this place? I mean, the guy looks like he got dressed up in the dark!
Crowd: Booo.... *offstage whisper* ....Can we leave now?
Isiah Zombie: Oh... he's blind, you say? Okay. Anyways, what's the deal with this guy right here sitting in the front row dressed up like a soldier and wearing an eyepatch? Can someone please run and tell him that the pirate wants his shtick back?
Crowd: *more boos, offstage whisper* ....Maybe if we pretend to laugh, this guy will get off the stage...
Isiah Zombie: You say he lost his eye pushing someone out of the way of an arrow? Alright then... has anyone seen the kid of the owner of this bar? He's got dark makeup, strange clothes, and he looks like he's going goth!
Crowd: *tomatoes are thrown and more boos, offstage whisper*
Isiah Zombie: He's infected with evil energy, you say? Huh, figures...
Crowd: BOOO! *begins throwing weapons*
Isiah Zombie: *dodging weapons* So, umm, I flew into town tonight, and boy are my wings tired!
Crowd: *silence... followed by an explosion of laughter* HAHAHA!
One day later, back at the apartment...
Admiral Donutz: Hey look IZ! You got a review in the newspaper about your Stand-Up last night!
Isiah Zombie: Oh no, I don't want to hear this...
Monkeysarefunny: *snatches newspaper* Let me read it out loud: "Isiah Zombie's performance last night was so new and exciting! He mentioned the bartender's blindness! Kudos to you IZ for coming up with it!"
Isiah Zombie: Oh geez... that was obviously sarcastic...
Monkeysarefunny: There's more: "I look forward to your next comedic endeavor. May I suggest pointing out the waiter's appearance, or perhaps commenting on the owner's weight? I'd love to hear your fresh new perspective on these matters!"
Isiah Zombie: Okay, that's it. I will stop with my comedic career.
Monkeysarefunny: *turns page over* But wait! There's more! Heh: "Isiah Zombie's Stand-Up was a perfect performance for idiots!" and "Boring to an amazing degree!" and "A fine achievement in stupidity and dullness!"
Admiral Donutz: Aren't there any good reviews for IZ?
Monkeysarefunny: Hmm... oh yeah, here's a good one: "Gives new meaning to the words incoherent, illogical, and disjointed!" .....oh wait, never mind.
Isiah Zombie:
