Post by Isiah Zombie on Oct 4, 2008 10:11:32 GMT -8
The Zombie Guy Show
Branching Out
Episode: 52
Original Post Date: October 4, 2008
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Isiah Zombie, Monkey and Donutz are watching TV at IZ's House…
Isiah Zombie: I think we've pretty much settled here in L.A., now we just need to branch out and make some new friends.
Admiral Donutz: So should I start throwing sentences at random people?
Isiah Zombie: Not just at random people, but also at our neighbors - you know, like MDiddy and Zane.
Monkeysarefunny: Geez, IZ, why are you so obsessed with making new friends?
Isiah Zombie: Because it adds a spark to my life. You can always learn new things from new people.
Monkeysarefunny: Oh yeah? Like when? Give me an example.
Isiah Zombie: Well remember that German friend I made at a local bar once? He was electrically cool…. though I don’t remember what happened to him.
Monkeysarefunny: I remember. Apparently your friend forgot that we don’t use the German 220-volt current here in the states because he was found in his hotel room, impaled upon a large electrical device.
Isiah Zombie: …Really?
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah… the doctors did everything they could, but it took them two hours just to remove the smile from his face.
Isiah Zombie: See…? He did add a spark to my life.
Monkeysarefunny: Heh heh, yeah…. good times.
Later that day... w00tdude is applying for a job at the fast-food restaurant "Kurger Bing"...
Jack Hammer: I am the manager here. Take a seat. Tell me a little bit about yourself and why I should hire you.
w00tdude: *sits down* ...My name is w00tdude. I really want to work here because-
Jack Hammer: -Good! You're hired!
w00tdude: -Because I didn't like the slogan of that other burger joint.... you know the one...
Jack Hammer: Oh, you mean "Sausagefest"?
w00tdude: Yeah, their slogan was something like, "We'll put our meat in your buns!"
Jack Hammer: No-no! That's the slogan for "Meat Between Your Buns." A very fine restaurant indeed.
w00tdude: .....
Jack Hammer: But you do enjoy the slogan for Kurger Bing, right?
w00tdude: I haven't read it. What is it?
Jack Hammer: It's "Defying Copyright Infringement Since 1992."
w00tdude: Who have you been infringing?
Jack Hammer: That's none of your business! Now go put on your uniform and sweep the kitchen - because YOU'RE HIRED
!w00tdude: Teh awwwws!
Meanwhile, IZ and Donutz walk over one house to the left...
Isiah Zombie: Okay, we're at Zane's house.
Admiral Donutz: I brang Buster along for a walk because he's been bugging me all night long..... mainly because my computer didn't work last night.
Isiah Zombie: Buster uses your computer?
Admiral Donutz: Yeah, he has his own homepage... and I've seen him watch poodle-porn before
Isiah Zombie: I see. Okay, go ahead, knock on the door.
Admiral Donutz: What? No! What if his grandma opens the door? She's gonna WHIP MAH ASS - literally!
Isiah Zombie: But we decided to make new friends, remember?
Admiral Donutz: But at what cost, hmmm?
Isiah Zombie: Fine.... I'll do it.... *grumble*
Admiral Donutz: -Wait! Buster needs to pee first.
Isiah Zombie: There's a toilet on the sidewalk. Use that one.
Admiral Donutz: Is it for the dogs?
Isiah Zombie: I don't think so. I've actually seen Zane use it before, so it's probably his..... though I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
Admiral Donutz: Alright, I'll help Buster get potty-trained. You start talking to Zane in the meantime..... *walks off*
Isiah Zombie: ....Oh geez.... *knocks on Zane's door*
Zane: *opens door* .....
.....What are you doing here? ...Quick! Come inside before my Grandmama wakes up and beats me!Isiah Zombie: Why would she beat you?
Zane: To teach me a lesson!
Isiah Zombie: Hey, if education is abuse, I want to be beaten hard.
Zane: You don't understand! It's illegal for a grandmama to beat his grandson with a strap wider than 2 inches without the grandson's consent! Now help me get out of here! *drags IZ inside*
Meanwhile, Monkey is sleeping on the couch at IZ's House...
Monkeysarefunny: (sleeping) ....ZZzzzzzZzz.... mmmm.... tight-ass....
Mdiddy: (from outside) *knock knock!* Yo MONKEY MAN! You home??
Monkeysarefunny: *wakes up* ....
I'm almost grabbed it, too!Mdiddy: I see you sleeping in there! Open up before I bust the door down!
Monkeysarefunny: Who is it? If you're a burglar, my wallet is under the window ledge.
Mdiddy: I'm your neighbor! Open up!
Monkeysarefunny: *walks over and opens door* ....H-Hey man... IZ isn't home right now.
Mdiddy: I'm not looking for the Zombie Man, I'm looking for you. Let me inside, we need to talk in private.
Monkeysarefunny: Uhh... "private"? What are you getting at?
Mdiddy: Listen, I need you to hide something for me in case the cops search my house.
Monkeysarefunny: Why? What's in it for me?
Mdiddy: Oh I can give you anything you want, baby, what do you need?
Monkeysarefunny: Do you have any ice cream? ...Preferably, ice cream from Red Jello Ninja?
Mdiddy: What? The famous Red Jello Ninja ice cream isn't available here in L.A.
Monkeysarefunny: Aww ****!
Mdiddy: -But the much better Blue Samurai Pudding is.
Monkeysarefunny: Hur yeah! I'll do it!
Mdiddy: Okay, good. Just don't tell the ZOMBIE MAN about this.
Monkeysarefunny: Consider my lips sealed
!Mdiddy: *pulls out crazy glue from pocket* ...That can be arranged.
Monkeysarefunny: N-No... it's just an expression...
Mdiddy: *pulls out scotch tape* ...I can tape a permanent expression to your face if you want me to.
Monkeysarefunny: ...Just give me my damn ice cream, you crazy mofo.
Later that day, at Kurger Bing...
w00tdude: Okay manager, here's what I did today: I finished cleaning up all the asbestos from the roof, I scraped all 128 flies from under the stove, and I squeaky-cleaned all the windows with a tiny sponge. Can I go home now?
Jack Hammer: No... you've only just begun! Mwuahahaha!
w00tdude: I'm thinking of quitting...
Jack Hammer: Is that so? Well let me tell you a little story that my manager once told me when I was thinking about quitting....
*2 minutes later*
w00tdude: So if I work weekends, work overtime, and I take other people's shifts, you'll reward me with free hours?
Jack Hammer: Yes ...you'll work for free...
w00tdude: Alright then! I'll stay
!Jack Hammer: Good, that should take my mind over the fact that my wife is having an affair on me with my brother
! I should go out and have my own affair just to show her!w00tdude: For serious?
Jack Hammer: Nah, that sounds like a lot of work - work that you should be doing right now! Go grab that miniature sponge of yours and squeaky-clean my car this instance!
w00tdude: But I don't wanna-
Jack Hammer: -IF YOU DON'T DO IT - then I'll take away your free hours!
w00tdude: .........Now I feel teh suckish
Meanwhile, inside Zane's house, IZ and Zane are sitting on a couch...
Zane: I remember when I was a kid, I went to a videogame store called "The Zone" and they were out of the game that I wanted.
Isiah Zombie: *looks at watch* .....Hurry up Donutz, get your ass in here and save me from this boredom.....
Zane: "HOW DARE THEY" I said. So I told the guy that I knew he actually had it but was screwing with me. He said something like "what are you talking about" and that's when I punched him in the nose and ran out of the store naked.
Isiah Zombie: Fascinating..... hey do you mind if I use your bathroom?
Zane: What bathroom?
Isiah Zombie: You know, the place where you do your "business."
Zane: You mean the one on the side-walk?
Isiah Zombie: That's... that's really yours?? Oh wow...
Admiral Donutz: *walks in with Buster* ...Sorry I took so long, but Buster was trying to seduce me.
Zane: Is that a dog
! My Grandmama never lets me have a dog!Admiral Donutz: Why not?
Zane: She says that I AM the dog...
Isiah Zombie: Heh, she says that "you're the dog"... brilliant.
Zane: ....She also tells me to "never trust a dog to watch your food" ...That's why she never feeds me either...
Grandmama: (from other room) ZAAAANE! Who are you talking to?!?
Zane: Oh noooo! She woke up! You guys gotta get me outta here
! Isiah Zombie: Okay, just follow me... *walks out*
Admiral Donutz: Just a few steps out the door... *walks out with Buster*
IZ and Donutz walk out... a loud scream is heard from Zane as his Grandma beats him with a 3-inch strap... meanwhile, back at IZ's house...
Monkeysarefunny: So I just have to hide these boxes in my closet and you'll give me some free ice cream?
Mdiddy: That's the plan, brotha.
Monkeysarefunny: So what's in them? Crack? Booze? Kilos?
Mdiddy: It's top secret stuff, known as "BBQ."
Monkeysarefunny: Ooooh, is that a secret code for Cocaine?
Mdiddy: No, it's barbecue.
Monkeysarefunny: ...Barbecue?
Mdiddy: Yes, barbecue.
Monkeysarefunny: So let me get this straight: I'm hiding boxes of barbecue in my closet in exchange for ice cream in case the cops search your house?
Mdiddy: Shhh! Not so loud.
Monkeysarefunny: Umm... I guess the only thing left to ask is "why?"
Mdiddy: Cuz that's the way we roll, foo! Back in my day, I used to wharf down BBQ by the gallon! They used to call me BBQDiddy!
Monkeysarefunny: Well, back in my day, we didn't say "back in my day"...
*knock knock!*
Isiah Zombie: (from outside) Open up Monkey - we're home.
Monkeysarefunny: No! I told IZ that I wouldn't invite people when he's gone!
Mdiddy: ...Why do you listen to him? Gangstas' don't submit to nobody!
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah... I'm weird like that... just hide in my closet, BBQDiddy!
Admiral Donutz: (from outside) Hurry up, MAF, Buster is starting to bite my leg.
Monkeysarefunny: C-Could you guys hold up? I'm sorta busy right now.
Isiah Zombie: Are you holding your sausage hostage again?
Monkeysarefunny: No! Just give me a sec!
Mdiddy: *hides in closet* ...Okay, let 'em in...
Monkeysarefunny: *opens door* H-Hey guys.... back so soon?
Isiah Zombie: Yeah... *smells air* ...Were you eating barbecue just now?
Monkeysarefunny: What? Psh.... NO!
Admiral Donutz: Yeah, it smells like barbecue in here.
*Buster barks and sniffs his way to the closet*
Isiah Zombie: Looks like Buster found something.
Mdiddy: *gets dragged out by Buster* ....Heeeey
! BAD DOGGIE!Isiah Zombie: ...MDiddy? Why were you hiding in Monkey's closet?
Monkeysarefunny: I-I-Can explain!
Isiah Zombie: Explain what? The fact that Mdiddy was hiding in your closet, or the fact that there's boxes of barbecue piled up in there? Or could you explain why you invited someone without my permission?
Monkeysarefunny: I can explain none-err, I mean all of them. Just give me some time to compile a debatable argument.
Mdiddy: Hey Zombie Man, if you used that tone with me, I would've pimp smacked you all the way back to Zombie Land.
Isiah Zombie: What? You're threatening to kick my ass?
Mdiddy: A little, yeah.
w00tdude: *walks in* ...PHEW! I'm tired from today's hard work... *takes off Kurber Bing hat*
Isiah Zombie: Hey MDiddy, wanna kick w00tdude's ass instead?
Mdiddy: Yeah sure.
Admiral Donutz: Good, I'll watch.
w00tdude: What?? No! I gotta get outta here!
IZ, MDiddy and Donutz chase w00tdude outside to the street...
Monkeysarefunny: Mmkay, soo... do I still get my ice cream...?
