Post by Isiah Zombie on Nov 22, 2008 8:53:43 GMT -8
The Zombie Guy Show
Blind Date
Episode: 59
Original Post Date: November 22, 2008
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Isiah Zombie, Monkey, and Donutz are at IZ's House one morning...
Isiah Zombie: OH. MY. GAWD.
Admiral Donutz: What's the matter, IZ?
Isiah Zombie: I'm just trying to figure out why I'm living with you two guys. What puts us together? Why must we live in the same house? What stops us from breaking apart? So many questions with so few answers...
Monkeysarefunny: Meh... you worry to much... *sips a beer*
Admiral Donutz: What's wrong with three guys living in the same house together?
Isiah Zombie: There's nothing wrong with that. I think I just need to spend some time away from the house with a girlfriend or something.
Monkeysarefunny: Well you've come to the right place! Find me the ugliest girl you can and watch me not bang her!
Isiah Zombie: ...What?
Monkeysarefunny: I'm loaded with tips. Ask away!
Isiah Zombie: Oh? Well, umm... what's the first thing I should do to get a girl?
Monkeysarefunny: Tip number one: Many girls like it when you can't take your eyes off them; but when you're staring at their boobs.
Isiah Zombie: Huh.... *grabs pen and notepad* ....Go on.
Monkeysarefunny: How to get girls, step two: Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes.
Isiah Zombie: Oh wow, this is great stuff
!Admiral Donutz: This seems kinda fake and useless... wanna hear about my plans to get a job instead?
Isiah Zombie: C'mon Monkey, tell me more!
Monkeysarefunny: Well I can go on and on, but what I think what you need, my friend, is a little out-in-the-field experience.
Isiah Zombie: Yeah! Let's go to Lakeview Park! There's all kinds of chicks there!
Admiral Donutz: I don't want to go there... I really want to discuss my possible job opportunites with you guys.
Monkeysarefunny: No Donutz, you're supposed to say: "Sounds like a plan, let's move!"
*knock knock!*
Isiah Zombie: Oh great, who could that be? *walks over to door*
Monkeysarefunny: It could be my lawyer or my probation officer. Either way, I'm screwed.
Isiah Zombie: *opens door* ...Leo? How do you know where I live?
Leo the Vampire: Okay Isiah Zombie, I've found you. It's time to hunt down the Phantom that kiled my grandfather!
Isiah Zombie: No, not now, Leo. We should just chill out and do what we have to when the time is right. Okay?
Leo the Vampire: But... that time is now! ...Right?
Isiah Zombie: No.
Monkeysarefunny: ...Aren't you two supposed to be, like, enemies?
Isiah Zombie: Nah, we're cool. Hey Leo, we're going to Lakeview Park to find some girls. Wanna join us?
Admiral Donutz: Psh... you guys think a billionaire like Leo doesn't already have a girlfriend?
Leo the Vampire: I may be a billionaire, but... I could never find myself a decent woman. They're just not worthy enough of my greatness. I actually had random girls audition to be my significant other. That didn't work. Nowadays, I get so many applications from girls who want to be my girlfriend that it's starting to get a little ridiculous, you know what I mean?
Isiah Zombie: Y-Yeah.... I know exactly what that's like....
Leo the Vampire: Ah what the heck. That Phantom's not coming anytime soon. I shall join you on your voyage - and forge a new relationship!
Admiral Donutz: Yeah, you guys should go and do that while I go to the bar across the street. There's that skeleton bartender I've been meaning to meet.
Monkeysarefunny: Sounds like a plan. Let's move!
30 minutes later, IZ, Monkey and Leo arrive at Lakeview Park...
Isiah Zombie: Alright, we're here. What's the first thing I should to find myself a woman?
Monkeysarefunny: Well you see that girl fishing by the lake? I want you to go over to her and-
Isiah Zombie: -NO WAY. I am way sexier than that ugly mutant!
Monkeysarefunny: It's not about what you want, IZ, it's about you need.
Leo the Vampire: I agree, and since I'm out here, I might as well find someone who is genuinly compatiable with me. I'm tired of all the fakes who only want me because I'm a billionaire.
Monkeysarefunny: Okay Leo, you see that girl with the kite over there? I want you to walk over to her and go with the usual, "Where's my money, hoe?"
Leo the Vampire: Ummm... are you serious? You sure you know what you're doing?
Monkeysarefunny: Of course I know what I'm doing. One time I accidentally punched a Down Syndrome girl in the face.
Leo the Vampire: What? Really? How could you??
Monkeysarefunny: C'mon, it was her own damn fault for walking in front of me while I was in the middle of punching some other annoying little guy.
Leo the Vampire: I see... so that proves you know what you're doing. So once I get her to like me, what should I do to get her turned on?
Monkeysarefunny: Flick the switch. It's located in her privates. Now run, my little vampire! Run!
Leo the Vampire: O-Okay... *runs to girl with kite*
Isiah Zombie: So getting back to me...
Monkeysarefunny: Heh heh, yeah, I almost forgot. Well before I find you a girl, tell me what you're looking for.
Isiah Zombie: I just need my girl to be one thing: Perfect.
Monkeysarefunny: ...I meant in terms of, you know, physical attributes. What are you into? Tall girls? Short girls? Do you want a girl with a big butt?
Isiah Zombie: Why do guys like girls with big butts anyway?
Monkeysarefunny: I've heard it said from one reporter's opinion that he "like[d] big butts and that [he could] not lie."
Isiah Zombie: Well I'm more into personality myself.
Monkeysarefunny: Then why did you neglect the "ugly mutant" fishing by the lake two minutes ago?
Isiah Zombie: Because she's hideous! And I KNOW she'll like me!
Monkeysarefunny: OH NOES! AN UGLY PERSON MIGHT LIKE YOU! Now you know how every pretty girl you've ever had a crush on feels when they find out you like them!
Isiah Zombie: Ouch, very ouch...
Monkeysarefunny: Now you sit tight while I find you someone who won't run away when they take a glance at your ugly, hideous MUG! *walks away*
Meanwhile, at the Skeleton Bar across the street from IZ's House...
Admiral Donutz: (drunk) Slide over another Hennessey's Cognac, Bartender...
Skelly the Skeleton: The name's Skelly. Why so sad?
Admiral Donutz: I... I... I feel like nobody cares about me anymore. The people I live with never to listen to what I have to say. Just earlier today, I was talking to them about getting a new job, and they completely ignored me
!Skelly the Skeleton: You're getting a new job? That sounds exciting. Tell me more about it. I'm listening.
Admiral Donutz: Well I was telling them anout how I've always wanted to be a chemist, an electrician, or maybe even a-
Skelly the Skeleton: -Don't be so sad.
Admiral Donutz: -HEY! I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FRICKEN SENTENCE! SHEESH! I just need someone who will sit down, shut up, and LISTEN TO ME!
Skelly the Skeleton: Sorry about that. If it's any consolation, there's a girl who comes here every day and she sits by herself at the booth behind you.
Admiral Donutz: Well hey! Whoopdy-DOO! Maybe that's what I need! Someone who doesn't talk and who only listens!
Skelly the Skeleton: Well if that's really what you need, then you should go to her now. She's right behind you at that booth. Walk over and introduce yourself. Hurry. The clocks-a-tickin'!
Admiral Donutz: S-Should I
Skelly the Skeleton: Yeah sure. Her name's Helen. What have you got to lose
?Several mintes later, back at Lakeview Park...
Monkeysarefunny: *walks back to IZ* Damn... I always knew I was good, but I didn't know I was THAT good.
Isiah Zombie: What happened? Did you find me a girl yet?
Monkeysarefunny: I showed a picture of you to some girl sitting on a bench to get her to meet you. At first she didn't want to, but then I worked my magic charm on her and I got everything set up. You have a date with her tonight at the Skeleton Bar. Damn I'm GOOD!
Isiah Zombie: Wait... you have my picture?
Monkeysarefunny: In my wallet, yeah. Thank me for hooking you up, son!
Isiah Zombie: First of all, get my picture out of your wallet. Second of all, thanks for the hookup. Third of all, who is she? Describe her to me.
Monkeysarefunny: Well, she's kinda hot actually. At first, I was temped to claim her for myself, but then I was like "Nahhhh."
Isiah Zombie: Describe her to me.
Monkeysarefunny: She was wearing sunglasses and walking her dog at this park... look, you'll see her tonight anyway. Just consider it a blind date.
Isiah Zombie: OH. MY. GAWD. You are notorious for setting up pranks! What have I got myself into?
Monkeysarefunny: Don't worry. What have you got to lose
?*Leo the Vampire walks back*
Leo the Vampire: I talked to a lot of girls. There's problems with all of them. Not one is worthy enough of my greatness.
Monkeysarefunny: Problems? What kind of problems?
Leo the Vampire: You know the girl with the kite? Well guess what? Her FLY was open. I know she wanted to make her kite fly, but that is just ridiculous!
Monkeysarefunny: Hey man! Don't discriminate! That just means she's open for business!
Leo the Vampire: Another girl I talked to was very attractive, indeed. But then I walked up to her and she ran away. Why, I ask. Why?
Isiah Zombie: *sigh* ...I know what that's like, Leo... Why is it rare for girls to ask guys out? It would be so much easier that way.
Monkeysarefunny: I doubt girls would ask you out anyways. KA-POW!
Isiah Zombie: Ouch, very ouch...
Leo the Vampire: Is it my personality that drives away all the beautiful women? Am I not sweet enough?
Monkeysarefunny: Nah. If you were any sweeter, you would've given all those girls diabetes. Listen, you just gotta bite the bullet and keep trying.
Leo the Vampire: You know what? I think it's your faulty tips that is the root of all the problems! Are you even certified to be giving out advice?
Monkeysarefunny: A-DUR. Many women are in love me because my tips have been battle-tested and work. Guess how many girls like me at the moment?
Isiah Zombie: -Three: Your mom and your two grandmothers.
Monkeysarefunny: Hey man, I'm being serious here.
Isiah Zombie: So am I. You mean to tell me that your mom and grandmothers aren't girls, and that they don't like you?
Monkeysarefunny: Sh-Shut up... let's get out of here and get you souped-up and ready for your big date!
Leo the Vampire: Screw this. I'll just hire someone to be my girlfriend again, like I've done countless times in the past... *walks away*
Meanwhile, at the Skeleton Bar...
Admiral Donutz: *walks over to booth* ...H-Hello...? May I sit here? *gulp*
Helen: Huh? Oh yeah. Sure.
Admiral Donutz: *sits* ...If you don't want me to be here, then I'll just walk back and leave. Maybe I should just walk back and leave? Yeah, I think I'll just walk and leave... *stands up*
Helen: No, no. Please sit and stay. It always gets lonely around here.
Admiral Donutz: Oh, okay then... *sits again* ...So... umm... you know, you remind of this girl I once knew.
Helen: "Once knew?" As in you killed her for the good of mankind?
Admiral Donutz:
...Now we're talking!Several hours later, as nighttime arrives, still at the Skeleton Bar, IZ is ready to meet his blind date...
Isiah Zombie: *sits at booth* ...Monkey? Can you hear me?
Monkeysarefunny: (sitting 20-feet away) Loud and clear, mister STUD-MUFFIN. These earpieces always come in handy, don't they?
Isiah Zombie: Yeah... thanks for hooking me up, Monkey, I'm sorry I snapped at you earlier-
Monkeysarefunny: Shut-up! Here she comes!
*bar door opens*
Cantsy: (with sunglasses and dog) ...Zombie? Zombie? Where are you, Zombie?
Isiah Zombie: H-Hey there. I'm over here... *waves*
Cantsy: (dog leads to the way to IZ) There you are! It's good to finally hear your voice! Nice to meet you! My name is Cantsy! *sits at booth across from IZ*
Isiah Zombie: ...You're wearing sunglasses at night? And you brought a dog into a bar?
Cantsy: Well of course, how else would I be able to get around?
Isiah Zombie: You need a dog to... get around?
Cantsy: Yes, didn't your Monkey friend tell you that I was going to be a blind date? He showed me a picure of you and I can only imagine how handsome you are!
Isiah Zombie: Oh geez... I'm not sure I like this. Blindness is a huge turn off. I think we should break up.
Cantsy:
... But we aren't really dating.Isiah Zombie: Don't make it any harder than it has to be.
Cantsy: What?
Isiah Zombie: Nevermind! *stands up and walks over to Monkey*
Monkeysarefunny: Wow, that's messed up.
Isiah Zombie: You're gonna be messed up if you don't start running.
Monkeysarefunny: I just love bustin' peoples' balls, even if they're ill-equipped for such an experience.
Isiah Zombie: *approaches Monkey's booth* ...You set me up with a blind girl? I'm about to kick your ass!
Monkeysarefunny: Fine, if you don't want her, then I'll take her.
Isiah Zombie: If she could see, she'd run away from YOU!
Monkeysarefunny: Shu-shut up... *sips a beer*
