Post by Isiah Zombie on Jan 10, 2009 17:44:09 GMT -8
The Zombie Guy Show
Searching for Jobs
Episode: 66
Original Post Date: January 10, 2009
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Isiah Zombie and Monkeysarefunny are at IZ's House one morning...
Isiah Zombie: *reading newspaper* ...Hmm, it says here that they're hiring people to work at the "J2 Global Communications Newspaper" on Earth. Should I apply for a job there?
Monkeysarefunny: Uhh... why the hell do you want to work at a newspaper joint?
Isiah Zombie: I've always imagined being a reporter... and how cool it would be.
Monkeysarefunny: Oh yeah? Well report THIS! *gives the finger*
Isiah Zombie: Okay... that was awkward.
Monkeysarefunny: You know what else is awkward? Your face!
Isiah Zombie: That doesn't make any sense.
Monkeysarefunny: You know what else makes no sense? Your face!
Isiah Zombie: So from now on, you're just going to insult me and add "your face" at the end of it?
Monkeysarefunny: No.... but your face will! KA-POW!
Isiah Zombie: That's stupid.
Monkeysarefunny: You know what else is stupid?
Isiah Zombie: -Let me guess, my face?
Monkeysarefunny: Psh, no.... that's something only a stupid person would say.... like your face
! KA-POW!Isiah Zombie: Oh geez...
Admiral Donutz walks in...
Admiral Donutz: Hey guys.
Isiah Zombie: Oh hey there. Tell me Donutz: do you think that I should get a job as a newspaper writer?
Admiral Donutz: Sure. You should do whatever you want. Did I ever tell you guys that I've always wanted to be a chemist, an electrician, or maybe even a-
Isiah Zombie: -AHA! You see Monkey? Donutz thinks being a reporter is a great idea!
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah, well, just make sure you get the stupid out of your system before you apply.
Isiah Zombie: What stupid? I'm not stupid!
Monkeysarefunny: Dude, you once asked what Hitler's last name was.
Isiah Zombie: ...
Admiral Donutz: So are you going to go get that job, IZ?
Isiah Zombie: Yeah, sure... hey you know what? Let's all get jobs
!Monkeysarefunny: I already have a job.
Isiah Zombie: Spanking other monkeys hard doesn't count. You know that, right?
Monkeysarefunny: I'm telling you, I already have a job.
Isiah Zombie: I meant something fulltime, like eight hours a day.
Monkeysarefunny: I have eight jobs. One hour each.
Isiah Zombie: Really? Where at?
Monkeysarefunny: I work at this place called "Trophies Etc." Oddly enough, I find the job rewarding.
Admiral Donutz: Alright then, it's settled! Let's go out there and find us some jobs!
Monkeysarefunny: Yo, I just said I already have a-
Admiral Donutz: -Let's move!
One hour later, at "J2 Global Communications Newspaper" headquarters...
Isiah Zombie: *walks in* ...Excuse me, sir?
Hugh Jass: (fat guy) Yes, how many I help you?
Isiah Zombie: Oh I'm here to apply for a job.
Hugh Jass: You... want to get a job here?
Isiah Zombie: Indeed I do.
Hugh Jass: So YOU'RE the one who wants to replace me
!Isiah Zombie: R-Replace...?
Hugh Jass: Yes! Everyone who works here wants me out of here! They all call me names -- I hear them talking about me behind my back! They're plotting against me... *rubs hands together* ...Yes, but I'll get them back! I swear!
Isiah Zombie: Look, man, I don't know what's going on here, but-
Hugh Jass: -I hear them calling me names like Tubs, Chubby, Slobba the Hutt, and Wideload the Fat Person. But the final joke will be on THEM!
Isiah Zombie: So, umm, what's your real name?
Hugh Jass: Hugh Jass.
Isiah Zombie: ...Wait, what? Huge ass?
Hugh Jass: Yes?
Isiah Zombie: I don't really care about you. Just get me your boss.
Hugh Jass: What's in it for me?
Isiah Zombie: I'll buy you a Krispy Kreme donut with jelly and sprinkles if you do.
Hugh Jass: You think you can just buy me off with FOOD?? You think it's that EASY??
Isiah Zombie: Yes.
Hugh Jass: ...Make that two donuts.
Isiah Zombie: Deal.
Meanwhile, at "We Elec You" shop...
Admiral Donutz: *walks in* ...Excuse me, sir?
Les Voltage: Hello, welcome to "We Elec You," the place where we elect you to be electrocuted.
Admiral Donutz: That's your slogan?
Les Voltage: Ahem, yes, we're currently working on another one... so what can I do you for?
Admiral Donutz: I was wondering if I can have a job here as an eletrician.
Les Voltage: Sorry, we can't hire you. We already have a backup guy just in case.
Justin Case: *walks in* ...You rang?
Admiral Donutz walks over to a clock shop...
Admiral Donutz: *walks in* ...Excuse me, you're the manager, right?
Earl E. Bird: Yes, yes I am. And who you might you be?
Admiral Donutz: I'm Donutz. I was wondering if you were hiring anyone here?
Earl E. Bird: You're a little late there, buddy. I do my hiring my before breakfast.
Admiral Donutz: Yeah, well, I do my applying after breakfast.
Earl E. Bird: Sorry, I can't help you. Somebody else came just in the nick of time.
Nick O. Time: *walks in* ...Yes boss?
Admiral Donutz walks over to a photo shop...
Admiral Donutz: *walks in* ...Is anyone hiring in this city??
Will Shutter: Welcome to Photoshop! The only place in town where we'll shoot your kids for free! How may I help you?
Admiral Donutz: I need a job -- now.
Will Shutter: Oh, I'm so sorry. We're swamped as it is.
Admiral Donutz: C'mon! I'm starting to lose my patience!
Will Shutter: Well if it's any consolation, I'll have Mr. Light float you a beer right this instant. Mr. Light! Come in here!
Bud Light: *walks in* ...What's the matter? Need a beer?
Meanwhile, at a local Job Agency...
Monkeysarefunny: (sitting on chair) So what'll it be, mister manager person? You found me a job yet or what?
Chris Cross: *trembling* ...W-Well, you see, I-I'm not sure... just yet, I have t-to read documents... and look up files-
Monkeysarefunny: -You seem kinda nervous there, you alright?
Chris Cross: I'm sorry... I've always h-had difficulty hiring people...
Monkeysarefunny: Look, I just want you to give me a low-profile job; nothing too fancy. I want my movie career to take the world by storm but I just don't think the world is ready for me yet.
Chris Cross: W-Well, you could work at a place called "Director's Cut"...
Monkeysarefunny: Yes! That's sounds perfect!
Chris Cross: B-But it's a parlor shop...
Monkeysarefunny: Ooooh... you sneaky bastard. What else you got?
Chris Cross: I-If you don't want to be a h-hair cutter.... then... you can always be a... *gulp* ...chef...
Monkeysarefunny: Chef? Naw... cooking's not my thang, you know what I'm saying?
Chris Cross: This is difficult for me, you see... because you don't quite fit the standard profile...
Monkeysarefunny: Is that your way of telling me you hate me?
Chris Cross: H-How about you tell me what you want to be... and we'll go from there?
Monkeysarefunny: Listen up, Dick Tator, I need you to list me all the badass places to work at. Give me a list of 'em and THEN I'll decide.
Chris Cross: O-Okay... how about... "Wash Upon A Star"? It's a car wash place...
Monkeysarefunny: Nope.
Chris Cross: How about... "The Prawnbrokers"...? Or the curtain place known as... "It's Curtains For You"...?
Monkeysarefunny: Still no.
Chris Cross: I'd be much easier if you just... told me y-your likes and dislikes...
Monkeysarefunny: Mmkay, soo.. I hate cupcakes, and Kurt Cobain killed himself.
Chris Cross: I-Is that all? Because if that's all you have to say, then... I'm afraid to say this, but... I don't think I can hire you...
Monkeysarefunny: Meh... whatever floats your failboat, Joy Rider.
Chris Cross: What was that...?
Monkeysarefunny: Ta ta, Turbo Man! *stands up and walks away*
30 minutes later, back at "J2 Global Communications Newspaper" headquarters...
Isiah Zombie: (sitting at the boss's office) ...
Lew Scannon: *walks in* ...THERE YOU ARE!
Isiah Zombie: Uh, yes?
Lew Scannon: My people tell me you want to work as a reporter! Isn't that right?? WELL -- IS IT??
Isiah Zombie: Y-Yes, sir. Are you the boss?
Lew Scannon: Of course I'm the boss! I own the entire headquarters! You know, lately I've been meaning to replace that huge ass that we have in corporate.... oh, what's his name...
Isiah Zombie: You just said it.
Lew Scannon: Yes, anyway, what do you think of the name "Blobba the Butt"? I came up with it all by myself!
Isiah Zombie: ...You made fun of one of your own employees?
Lew Scannon: -So what are you in here for? You planning on reporting on foreign affairs? State politics? Local crime scenes? ...Well? WELL??
Isiah Zombie: I don't really know.
Lew Scannon:
Isiah Zombie: -YET! I don't really know yet! But I'm sure whatever you assign me to, I'll be the best man for the job -- even if I don't have any experience yet.
Lew Scannon: You know, I'm an old man who's been having a lot of hearing problems lately. Let me try to recall what I just heard. Did I just hear that someone with no experience wants to be hired in the J2 Global Communications Newspaper?!?
Isiah Zombie: ...
Lew Scannon: Hmmm, let me think about this one for a minute or so... Yup, that's EXACTLY what ****ing happened. What kind of place do you think I'm running here, boy?? This here is J2 Global Communications! We report all the way to Mars! I'm not going to hire some kid with no experience! Dammit boy -- I've won awards!
Isiah Zombie: ...
Lew Scannon: Why don't you go work at some place where you belong, like... "Juan More Taco"! I'm sure you'll fit right in!
Isiah Zombie: ...
Later that day, back at IZ's House, Donutz and monkey are alone...
Admiral Donutz: You know, MAF, I'm really starting to hate LA. The place with the most people has the fewest job opportunities! That doesn't make any sense!
Monkeysarefunny: Actually, it makes perfect sense. There aren't that many job opportunities because there's just so many damn people here. Get it?
Admiral Donutz: ...Oh.
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah, believe it or not, I'm pretty smart.
Admiral Donutz: I would've never thought it.
Monkeysarefunny: Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school, I was so smart that my teacher was in my class for five years. What about you? Are you smart?
Admiral Donutz: *sniff* .........I CAN READ!
*Isiah Zombie walks in*
Isiah Zombie: Well guys... how did the job search go?
Admiral Donutz: I tried every place, but nobody is hiring. I blame those democrats! They stink!
Monkeysarefunny: Democrats don't stink. Only the ones who have jobs in bad smelling places like sewers.
Isiah Zombie: What about you, Monkey? Find anything?
Monkeysarefunny: Nah, I think I'm just gonna stick to my acting career.
Isiah Zombie: What acting career? You just stay home and do nothing all day.
Monkeysarefunny: Exactly, I'm just acting to be an actor! KA-POW!
Isiah Zombie: I'm pretty sure you just owned yourself.
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah, well... your face owns you pretty badly. Multiple times. On a daily basis. HARD. Suck on that, Hurtful-The-Z!
Isiah Zombie: Meh... whatever. I'm just bummed out right now because I thought it would be cool working as a reporter. But I guess I just don't have the experience yet...
Admiral Donutz: Don't feel bad, IZ. Where I'm from, they always say to keep on trying
!Monkeysarefunny: Hey Donutz, look, I don't know how they do things back in England--
Admiral Donutz: I'm from Finland.
Monkeysarefunny: Whatever. I don't really give a ****. The point is, this is a different place. You can't just keep trying.
Admiral Donutz: Why not? Whenever I get shot down, I just keep trying. You want to know why?
Monkeysarefunny: Uhh... because you're a slow learner?
Admiral Donutz: No, it's because you can't accomplish anything if you don't pursue it.
Isiah Zombie: You're right, Donutz. I should keep trying. That way, we'll be just like the British!
Monkeysarefunny:
Isiah Zombie: ...But in a good way?
Monkeysarefunny:
