Post by Isiah Zombie on Jan 24, 2009 0:36:20 GMT -8
The Zombie Guy Show
Jailbird Discharge
Episode: 68
Original Post Date: January 24, 2009
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Isiah Zombie is alone at IZ's House one morning...
Isiah Zombie: (to self) Alright, let's see what's on TV today... *click*
Television: Hello, this is a message from the Poison Control Center, reminding you that poison is dangerous.
Isiah Zombie: Huh... and here I was with rat poison, thinking it was tasty...
Monkeysarefunny: *walks in* ...Ah, there you are my little zombie. I see you're home alone as usual. I on the other hand had a great morning.
Isiah Zombie: Psh... whatever.
Monkeysarefunny: But I'm not telling you what I did.
Isiah Zombie: Good, because I don't really care.
Monkeysarefunny: Well if you MUST know, I was sitting in a car with an extremely hot girl about to get it on.
Isiah Zombie: Again, I don't care.
Monkeysarefunny: This is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS - but I'll tell you anyway. Just as I was about to insert rod A into slot B, her dad came out-
Isiah Zombie: -Of the trunk?
Monkeysarefunny: What?
Isiah Zombie: Her dad? Came out? Of the trunk?
Monkeysarefunny: No, her dad came out of the house.
Isiah Zombie: Being in a car, couldn't you just... drive away?
Monkeysarefunny: No, because her dad hates me for some odd ass reason.
Isiah Zombie: Maybe it's your ugly face, iunno.
Monkeysarefunny: Me and her still made out though, so I don't really care about her dad.
Isiah Zombie: Watch out, in part two I hear he brings out a shotgun.
Monkeysarefunny: Oh crap, he's Mexican so he'll probably call up his boys.
Isiah Zombie: ...And get himself deported? I doubt it.
Monkeysarefunny: Oh by the way, I was using your car in this story, so if anything's messed up with it, you know what happened.
Isiah Zombie: ...You messed up my car? Again? Dammit, Monkey! I can never relax with you! Can't I just live an undead life and die peacefully in my sleep without having to worry about you all the time?
Monkeysarefunny: Hey, calm down. I want to die peacefully in my sleep too, just like my grandfather did....... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
*Admiral Donutz walks in*
Admiral Donutz: Hey guys. I was going to release BB on bail. Do either of you want to join me?
Isiah Zombie: Release BB on bail? What the hell? You mean one of my best friends is in jail and I don't know about it??
Admiral Donutz: For the past week, yeah.
Isiah Zombie: Wow... how do I not know about this
?Monkeysarefunny: Because you're a horrible friend, that's how.
Isiah Zombie: Shut up Monkey. I'm always trying to make new friends. I just don't know what the best way to make new friends is...
Monkeysarefunny: Just give a random person your paycheck and make sure you get his or her phone number.
Isiah Zombie: Monkey, I'm not giving you my paycheck again... soooo, what happened to BB?
Admiral Donutz: He was charged with assault on a minor. He tried to run, but he couldn't outrun the cops.
Monkeysarefunny: Well you know what they say, you don't have to be faster than the cops, you just have to be faster than your slowest friend.
Isiah Zombie: Okay then, it's settled. Let's all go and release BB from the JAIL CEEELL-
*Wendy bursts in*
Wendy: -WHERE IS HE?
Isiah Zombie: Umm... what?
Wendy: DON'T MAKE ME REPEAT MYSELF!
Admiral Donutz: Oh, it's Wendy, BigBoss's old girlfriend -- uh-oh.
Wendy: I flew 2,605 miles to find him! NOW WHERE IS HE??
Monkeysarefunny: He's in jail, but since you're back, I think maybe he might want to stay there.
Wendy: Nonsense! Let's go get him! *drags everyone out*
Meanwhile, in a local county jail cell...
BigBoss: I'm telling you, officer, I didn't do it. I was framed! There's no way I would jump over a counter and beat up a cashier! Look into my eyes..... do I look like I have the eyes of a killer? Huh? Do I?
Police Officer: You didn't kill anyone. Just tell me, who was the one who broke sir w00tdude's arm?
BigBoss: I don't know the guy's name, but if you put him in a line-up, I'll spot him in two seconds flat!
Police Officer: Describe the real culprit for me then if you're so sure it wasn't you.
BigBoss: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Police Officer: Was this a male or female?
BigBoss: Dammit! *slams table* I said he had a BEARD!
Police Officer: Please don't slam the table, sir. Your responses can only be oral. Now tell me, did the man have any other distinctive characteristics?
BigBoss: .........."Oral."
Police Officer: Oh, so you think you're funny now
? Why I outta-Head Chief: *walks in* -Hey listen up, Rookie, this "BigBoss" guy is going to be released on bail. Finish up what you're doing and let him go.
Police Officer: Yes sir... (turns to BB) ...Last question, are you qualified to give a urine sample?
BigBoss: Of course, I have been since early childhood.
Police Officer:
10 minutes later, at Mdiddy's House...
Mdiddy: (with no shirt on) Okay baby, you ready for it?
Random Hoe #58: YEEEES!
Mdiddy: Alright, here it comes!
Ding-Dong.......
Mdiddy: Aww **** naw! Who is it??
Isiah Zombie: (outside) It's me, the Zombie Man. Open up!
Mdiddy: What the hell do you want?? I got my hands full!
Isiah Zombie: I need to borrow your car. Monkey messed mine up earlier.
Mdiddy: But... I'm about to explode!
Isiah Zombie: There's no need to be that upset.
Mdiddy: I can't give you my keys right now -- my decision stands erect! Where do you need to go anyways, home dawg?
Isiah Zombie: I can't tell you, because full penetration of the subject is a hard task to stay on top of.
Mdiddy: Come on, you know you want to tell me. This new plot-hole you created must be satisfied!
Isiah Zombie: *sigh* ...Fine, I'll tell you. But it'll be hard and fast, you go it?
Mdiddy: No, I prefer it to be long and hard. Any subject that is firm and well-rounded deserves to be milked all the way to the last drop.
Isiah Zombie: My subject is quite limp, actually. Just open up the door!
Mdiddy: Tell me what your intentions are first!
Isiah Zombie: DAMMITTY! I knew you'd get all hot attempting to grasp what I'm trying to tell you, and the more you experimented with it, the more interested you would become...
Mdiddy: Umm.... *cough* ....what's going on here?
Isiah Zombie: Gay stuff, I'm outta here.
5 minutes later, on a street curb a few blocks away from IZ's House...
Isiah Zombie: *walks toward group* ...Sorry guys, no go.
Admiral Donutz: What happened? Why didn't Mdiddy let you borrow his car?
Isiah Zombie: Let's just say... I didn't feel right asking him.
Wendy: NO! How will we get BigBoss out of jail??
Monkeysarefunny: Quiet everyone! INCOMING CAB!
*taxi can pulls over*
Rashidi: *opens taxi door* You have money??
Isiah Zombie: Uh, well, yeah-
Rashidi: Come in my taxi cab now!
*the four squeeze into the taxi cab*
Rashidi: Good evening, patrons. My name is Rashidi, I come from Zimbabwe. Where shall I transport you this morning?
Isiah Zombie: We're going to release BB from the jail cell. The JAAAILLL CEEELL-
Rashidi: -LISTEN! I came to America because I plan on becoming a rapper. I got hired to do a solo rap album. Something like yo, yo, uh, yeah, uh, yo, check it, yo. I always wear a bulletproof vest and I'm ready for anything!
Isiah Zombie: Yeeeah.... anyway.... so Monkey, how many black people does it take to change a light bulb?
Monkeysarefunny: Doesn't matter, there are no lights in jail.
Isiah Zombie: ...
Monkeysarefunny: I meant the presence of lights in jail, not the statistics.
30 minutes later, the four arrive at the local county jail waiting room...
Isiah Zombie: I think BB will be mad at me for not knowing that he went to jail...
Wendy: I think BigBoss will be delighted to see me once again.
Admiral Donutz: I think once this is all over, we can move on and forget about the past.
Monkeysarefunny: I think someone owes me a dollar. Quick, a show of hands?
Police Officer: *walks in* ...Okay, BigBoss will be out shortly. I just need you to sign these release forms.
Isiah Zombie: *looks at papers* ...I probably don't need to read the whole thing, maybe I should take a quick look-see -- ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS? ARE YOU ****ING KIDDING ME??
Admiral Donutz: That's how much it costs.
Isiah Zombie: IS BB REALLY WORTH THAT MUCH
? I mean, I'm all for friendship, but at what cost, really?Police Officer: I'll go bring him out from the jail cell... *walks away*
Wendy: Do you have enough money to pay for BigBoss's release?
Isiah Zombie:
.....If you want to know, then ask me.Wendy: Do you have enough money to pay for BigBoss's release?
Isiah Zombie: None of your ****ing business.
Wendy: How dare you talk to me that way!
Admiral Donutz: Hey IZ, you don't have to talk to Wendy that way.
Isiah Zombie: Stay out of this conversation buddy, it doesn't concern you.
Admiral Donutz: Oh it concerns me greatly, does it concern you MAF?
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah, it does. It concerns me greatly. It really troubles me.
Admiral Donutz: It seems you were wrong in your assumption my friend, it's quite apparent that we are both concerned about this situation.
Isiah Zombie: Ah shut up, Donutz. BB isn't worth that much money and you know it.
Police Officer: (escorting BigBoss) Here he is.
Bigboss: It's great to finally be out! I'm a free man! A free man at last! *looks at Wendy* --HOLY ****! What did I do to deserve this punishment?!?
Wendy: I've found you!
Bigboss: No God! Why!! You aren't supposed to be on the left coast! Get back on the right coast!
Wendy: Aha! Now I don't have to shovel snow anymore! I will get to shovel sunshine with you every morning!
Bigboss: Dammit!
Police Officer: So, do you have the bail money?
Isiah Zombie: ...Huh? Oh me? Uh, yeah.... of course I do... The thing is, I don't have my wallet right now, because, uhh... *gulp*
Police Officer: Don't worry. You can pay in small payments if you like.
Isiah Zombie: Hell yeah! That's awesome! That way, my friends can help me pay along the way!
Admiral Donutz: ...
Monkeysarefunny: ...
Bigboss: ...
Wendy: ...
Isiah Zombie: ..Wha? ...No one wants to help me pay for BB's bail? You guys are mean
!Monkeysarefunny: Find a friend who cares. Better yet, find a friend! KA-POW!
Later that day, back at IZ's House...
Isiah Zombie: Well I guess Wendy will be living with us now. That should be interesting.
Admiral Donutz: It seems as if there will be many more problems with Wendy here. I have a feeling that maybe we cannot just move on and forget about the past.
Wendy: What's the problem with me living here?
Monkeysarefunny: You no good.
Wendy: But I'm an intellectual, not some ignorant girl that you guys are probably used to.
Bigboss: Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them. I am a genius. Tell me your problem.
Wendy: What was that?!? Why you little........ Just for saying that, I'm dragging you to the 98-cent-store with me! Come on! Let's move! *stomps out*
Bigboss: *gulp* ...It's just Wendy, right? Nothing to be afraid of?
Monkeysarefunny: .....
Bigboss: Right...? *sniff* .......... *walks out*
Admiral Donutz: Where's he going?
Monkeysarefunny: ......Right back to jail.
Isiah Zombie: No, he's going to the 98 cent store, which is made just in case you're too cheap for the 99 cent store.
Admiral Donutz: Oh really
! That sounds interesting! Let's go check it out, MAF! *walks out*Monkeysarefunny: Sorry IZ, I'd like stay home and keep you company, but you really need more friends. A lot more. And less fail would be nice, too... *walks out*
Isiah Zombie: ...
