Post by Isiah Zombie on Feb 28, 2009 12:00:06 GMT -8
The Zombie Guy Show
Collaborated Custody
Episode: 73
Original Post Date: February 28, 2009
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Isiah Zombie and Monkeysarefunny are at IZ's House one morning...
Isiah Zombie: I'm planning on re-applying for J2 Global Communications. I think I really have what it takes to be a real reporter.
Monkeysarefunny: Wow, how many times do you have to fail at something before you realize you're no good?
Isiah Zombie: Easy, Monkey. I'm just making conversation.
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah, well... a good conversation is like a skirt: short enough to keep your interest, yet long enough to cover the subject. So far, you have shown me none of these.
*Donutz walks in*
Admiral Donutz: Bleh... I just had the worst cup of coffee of my life.
Monkeysarefunny: Wait, you.... you drink coffee?
Admiral Donutz: Yes, I like coffee.
Monkeysarefunny: Oh yeah? YOU AND WHAT ARMY??
Admiral Donutz: ...It's just coffee. What are you getting so worked up about?
Monkeysarefunny: Most coffee is so old and expensive that I might as well buy a gallon of gas and drink that in place of the horrid brown juice you call "coffee."
Admiral Donutz: Wow MAF, that was really uncalled for.
Monkeysarefunny: ...You're really uncalled for.
Isiah Zombie: ALRIGHT! Stop arguing! Especially you, Monkey!
Monkeysarefunny: Why should I listen to you?
Isiah Zombie: Cuz I'm yo Brain Daddy.
Monkeysarefunny: Shut up, you cigarette-smoking-zombie. You're just a ****load of crap.
Isiah Zombie: Or a crapload of ****. Either way, MUCH more valueble than you'll ever be!
Monkeysarefunny: Haha! Don't tell me THAT'S your best comeback!
Isiah Zombie: Fine. I won't tell you then.
Monkeysarefunny:
Isiah Zombie: Anywho, like I said earlier, I'm going to re-apply for a spot on the J2 Global Communications staff. A job that is rightfully mine! *walks out*
Monkeysarefunny: Okay! See ya later, Skull Cracker IZ!
Meanwhile, at the fast food restaurant "Kurger Bing"...
w00tdude: *snoring on counter* ....ZzzzzZzzzz....
Jack Hammer: *walks in* ...What is the meaning of THIS?!? How dare you sleep on the job!!
w00tdude: *wakes up* ...AWMAGUD! I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
Jack Hammer:
w00tdude: I'm so sorry, Mr. Manager! The thing is, I've been working for the past 32 hours without any rest... and you're not even paying me for overtime...
Jack Hammer: Fine, fine... I'll let it slide this time... but only if you do something for me that will make me veeery haaaapy.
w00tdude: I don't like where this is headed...
Jack Hammer: Listen, my wife is having an affair with my brother and I need you TO STOP THAT FROM HAPPENING!
w00tdude: Umm... how do I do that?
Jack Hammer: You start small, with trees, dogs, and small children.
w00tdude: What? I don't think I understand...
Jack Hammer: You don't think you understand NOW? Just wait until you work your way up to the big time. Man, it's all about cliffs. You understand life when you're peeing off of a cliff..... and in soon time, you'll be doing a lot of that. I'll make sure of it!
w00tdude: Now I feel teh suckish...
Jack Hammer: You wanted a break? Well now I'm sending you off to my house -- where my wife is right now! Go break my brother in half! *ba-dum-cha!*
w00tdude: Teh awwwws!
10 minutes later, at Mdiddy's House...
Mdiddy: You know, when I first saw you, my expression was like a deer in the headlights. I knew you'd be the one for me.
Wendy: Oh really?
Mdiddy: Yes, and having been with you for over two weeks, I feel like we were meant to be.
Wendy: And why's that?
Mdiddy: Because we're having real conversations. I've never done that with any of my previous hoes.
Wendy: The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Mdiddy: Interesting. I never thought of it that way. So can you bring me the BBQ in the freezer?
Wendy: I'm sorry? The what?
Mdiddy: Oh don't start a woman's rights movement in here. You're the woman so you should go get it.
Wendy: I didn't know what you meant by "BBQ in the freezer" ....WAIT, WHAT WAS THAT? Did you just say that I'M THE WOMAN SO I SHOULD GO GET IT
??Mdiddy: Yes, yes I did.
Wendy: Well let me tell you something, Mr. Inconsiderate! I have rights which may or may not be institutionalized, ignored or suppressed by law, local custom, or behavior in a particular society just because I am a woman!
Mdiddy: ...So does that mean you won't be getting me my BBQ? Or...?
Wendy: GET OUT!
Mdiddy: ...B-But this is my house...
Wendy: LEAVE! NOW!
Mdiddy: O-Okay... *walks out*
Meanwhile, at Zane's House...
BigBoss: Our time together has been nothing but a blessing.
Grandmama: *stroking beard* I know. I am impressed by your gentleman-ness!
BigBoss: There's only one problem, though...
Grandmama: What is it? Is my beard not long enough for you?
BigBoss: No, no, it's fine. It's just that grandson of yours... he's very...
*Zane walks up from basement*
Zane: Grandmama...? I'm having the scary clown nightmare again.
BigBoss: ...Very annoying.
Grandmama: I can beat him with a baseball bat if you really want me to!
BigBoss: No, that just won't cut it...
Zane: Grandmama! Who's this man?
Grandmama: Quiet, Zane! He's going to be your new step-grandfather!
BigBoss: Whoa hey. Lets not get hasty here.
Zane: I don't want a new step-grandfather! I like the we used to have!
Grandmama: Shut up Zane! Go back to the basement before I blow the fire torch on you again!
Zane: But you did that last night...
Grandmama: AND??
Zane: And you usually do that every other Tuesday.
Grandmama: Shut up! Just shut up and go away!
BigBoss: This is HORRIBLE... my inner voice is telling me to run away... runnn far away........ *runs out*
Grandmama: *looks at Zane* ...Oh, you are soooo sleeping under the sink tonight.
One hour later, at "J2 Global Communications Newspaper" headquarters...
Isiah Zombie: *walks in* ...Excuse me, sir?
Hugh Jass: (fat guy) Yes, how many I help you? Oh.. it's YOU! YOU'RE the one who wants to replace me!
Isiah Zombie: ...Kinda, yeah.
Hugh Jass: What do you want this time?
Isiah Zombie: I want to re-apply for your job.
Hugh Jass: But you failed once already!
Isiah Zombie: Yeah, except this time, I have a videotape with a GHOST on film. Watch me try hard to NOT get hired.
Hugh Jass: Oh, so you want to be a photographer? Well let me tell you a little story then. One day I was working in the darkroom with my girlfriend-
Isiah Zombie: -You have a girlfriend? Riiight...
Hugh Jass: -Things started out negative, but soon I was enlarging. As it started to develop, I told her we should stop before we got into a fix, but she said it would all come out in the wash.
Isiah Zombie: I'm sorry, say what now?
Hugh Jass: It's the "Black & White" photo process summarized... why, what were you thinking?
Lew Scannon: *walks in* ...You, Wideload the Fat Person, get me my coffee this instant!
Hugh Jass: Yes boss! *runs out*
Lew Scannon: And you! Who are you again?
Isiah Zombie: I want to apply for a job here.
Lew Scannon: I'm sorry, I can't do that now. I'm going to my half-brother's house. Drink my coffee for me, will you? *walks out*
Isiah Zombie:
...I might as well buy a gallon of gas and drink that in place of the horrid brown juice you call "coffee."30 minutes later, just outside Jack Hammer's House...
w00tdude: I'm glad you could join me on this mission, Pedro!
Pedro: Yeah, yeah... so what's our mission again?
w00tdude: Our boss told me that I have to stop his brother from having an affair with his wife. He also said I need to start small, with trees, dogs, and small children.
Pedro: What the hell are you talking about?
w00tdude: And soon I'll be peeing off a cliff! Oh yeah!
Pedro: Shh! Someone's coming!
*car parks in driveway*
w00tdude: Who's that?
Pedro: That's probably the "evil brother" we need to catch.
w00tdude: His license plate is "LEWSCANNON" ...wonder what that means?
Pedro: Alright, I'm going to activate the traps we set up. You stand here and act natural.
w00tdude: Act natural? But I'm artificially-flavored!
Pedro: SHUT UP! *Pedro runs in house*
Meanwhile, back at IZ's House...
Monkeysarefunny: Glad you could join us in our pity, BBQdiddy.
Mdiddy: No problem. Wendy just kicked me out of my own house! I have nowhere else to be!
Admiral Donutz: That sucks... *sips coffee*
BigBoss: *walks in* ...Well guys, either SLAP-IT-HIGH or SLAP-IT-LOW, because I just broke up with Grandmama!
Monkeysarefunny: You two were actually dating?
BigBoss: Yeah, I ended it because that Zane kid was so annoying, and not mention that Grandmama was a little too old for me.
Monkeysarefunny: Yes, and also she was very... Dude-Like. You know, because of the whole beard thing?
BigBoss: And that penis of hers was gargantuan.
Monkeysarefunny:
Mdiddy: What's going on here?
Monkeysarefunny: Gay stuff! I'm outta here! *runs out*
10 minutes later, back at Jack Hammer's House...
w00tdude: (on phone) So you'll help me out with my mission too?
Isiah Zombie: (on phone) Yeah... I'll be there in 5 minutes.
w00tdude: Alright! Thanks IZ! *hangs up* Whoo-yeah!
Pedro: *runs back* What the hell are you doing?
w00tdude: I was just acting natural on the phone!
Pedro: Well I captured the "evil brother" who's been cheating on our boss! He's in this bag!
w00tdude: You caught him? Yay! I'll be peeing off cliffs in no time!
Pedro: Wanna take a peak?
w00tdude: Sure! But... how did you get him into a bag?
Pedro: I'm Mexican. I can get anything into a bag... *partially opens bag* ...Hello in there!
Lew Scannon: (in bag) Get me out of here! I own the entire J2 Global Communications Newspaper business! I can get you both arrested in no time!
Pedro: We could let you out... but what's in it for us?
Lew Scannon: I can get you a years-supply of Legos -- for free!
w00tdude: Do it-do it-do it-do it-do it-do it-do it-do it!
Pedro: No! This is serious business! We can get a lot more out from this guy!
*IZ arrives and parks in driveway*
Isiah Zombie: Alright, w00tdude. I got here a lot earlier than expected. So what's the plan?
Lew Scannon: YOU?!?
Isiah Zombie: ...Mr. Scannon? YOU'RE the brother of w00tdude's boss? What's his name-?
w00tdude: -Jack Hammer.
Isiah Zombie: You're Jack Hammer's half-brother?
Lew Scannon: Yes! Now let me out of here!
Isiah Zombie: How about this -- we'll let you go, but only if you hire me to work for J2 Global Communications as a reporter! OH YEAH!
Pedro: I like the blackmail, but no! This is serious business! We can get a lot more out from this guy!
Isiah Zombie: Hmm... you're right. How about this -- you make me the OWNER of J2 Global Communications at your expense! RIGHT NOW!
Lew Scannon: That'll never happen!
Isiah Zombie: Oh it will, otherwise, we'll keep you in this bag and throw you off a cliff!
w00tdude: Yeah! And I'll pee onto it!
Lew Scannon: Alright! Fine! But how do you know I won't alert the authorities on you once you release me? HUH?!?
One day later, in Zane's basement...
Zane: Hey you, new guy, I'm having the scary clown nightmare again.
Lew Scannon: Why did Isiah Zombie throw me into this horrible place? I wasn't really going to alert the authorities on him! Was I...?
Grandmama: (from other room) YOU TWO BETTER BE QUIET DOWN THERE! Or else I'm going to blow the fire torch on you again!
Lew Scannon: Oh... oh dear...
Zane: Hmm... must be Tuesday.
