The Zombie Guy Show (77)

[Isiah Zombie]

The Zombie Guy Show

Sizzling News
Episode: 77
Original Post Date: March 29, 2009 (Sunday Special)

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Isiah Zombie, Monkeysarefunny, BigBoss and w00tdude are at the Carlton-Ritz Mansion one morning...

Isiah Zombie: Well guys, I'm off to work. Time for me to check in as the owner of J2 Global Communications!
Monkeysarefunny: That's the news company where you do reporting, right? Well... report THIS! *gives the finger*
BigBoss: Oh yeah! Flippin' the bird!
Isiah Zombie: Hey man, don't flip the bird at me. I have a black belt in Karate.
Monkeysarefunny: I don't care what color your belt is -- I am your master.
w00tdude: Wait! What about me? What am I supposed to do for the day? I don't have a job anymore... so I have nothing to do all day...
Monkeysarefunny: -Which is why I'm signing you up to go back to elementary school!
w00tdude: Me? Go back to school? Why?
Monkeysarefunny: Because if I'm going to be home all day, then you'll need to be as far away from me as possible!
w00tdude: Teh awwws!

Later that day, at the "J2 Global Communications Newspaper" headquarters...

Isiah Zombie: Good morning, staff! Say hello to your new boss! ...Me!
Hugh Jass: (fat guy) Oh... it's you again. I've been here for 20 years and you've already climbed the ladder faster than I have.
Isiah Zombie: Shut-it-uppy! What's the news headline for today?
Hugh Jass: Here's our top story: "One cop, who mistakenly misfires his gun, shoots a fire hydrant which shoots water back and kills him."
Isiah Zombie: You... you can't be serious...
Hugh Jass: Our second top story is: "Bad weather causes trouble for drivers. More news at 11."
Isiah Zombie: No! No! Nooo! This is why our ratings are so low! We need a news story that florishes with human interest! Something that makes our viewers weep! Something that makes our viewers laugh! No more weather-casts! No more crime scene investigations! Let's get something that is extremely new and INTERESTING!
Hugh Jass: You're the boss, boss.
Isiah Zombie: Hmm... now I need to do some investigative news on what is good news...
Hugh Jass: Good luck with that.
Isiah Zombie: ...Oh it's gonna happen! IT WILL! *kicks chair*

Meanwhile, at Long Neck Elementary School... during homeroom... inside a crowded classroom...

w00tdude: (sitting still)
Pedro: *walks in* ...What the-?
w00tdude: WHA-?
Pedro: What are you doing here?
w00tdude: What am I doing here? What are you doing here?
Pedro: I've always been here. What are you doing here?
w00tdude: I just came because Monkey told me to!
Pedro: Do you just do everything people tell you to?
w00tdude: Who cares ! It's going to be so much fun being in a class with you!
Pedro: Don't get ahead of yourself. The teachers here at Long Neck Elementary are all messed up.
w00tdude: W-What do you mean...?
Pedro: Listen up, chump, here's my class schedule: 1st period, I have Dr. Gaylord for Science; 2nd period, I have Mrs. Seamen for child care; 3rd period, I have Mr. McFeely for Accounting-
w00tdude: -That doesn't sound so bad.
Pedro: 4th period, I have Mr. Anger for automotive systems; 5th period, I have Mrs. Manly for Literature; and 6th period I have Dr. **** for Spanish, but we're all forced to call him Dr. F.
w00tdude: ...I really don't see what's wrong with that.
Pedro: So what's your schedule?
w00tdude: Well, for 1st period, I have Ms. Boing for Basic English Grammar; 2nd period, I have Mrs. BenDover for Pre-Algebra; 3rd period, I have Mrs. Bearass for Ecology-
Pedro: -Lucky! You got all the hot teachers!
w00tdude: 4th period, I have Mr. Weiner for Spelling; 5th period, I have Mr. Nutt for Food Study; and 6th period I have Harry Dick for Carpentry.
Pedro: ...Nevermind.

Meanwhile, back at the Carlton-Ritz Mansion...

BigBoss: There's not much to do in this mansion, especially during the day. Wanna watch some TV?
Monkeysarefunny: (slouching on couch) As long as you don't throw it out of the window like you usually do, then yeah.
BigBoss: Alright... *turns on TV* ...The news is on. Wanna watch it?
Monkeysarefunny: Uh, yeah sure. I'd rather put a cigar out on my ass, but watching the news would be good too.
Television: Good morning. This J2 Global Communications, delivering the best news all the way to Mars. With new management taking force today, our company is asking its viewers to send in interesting story ideas because the new boss got pissed off at the current line-up and beat the crap out of a bicycle chair. The status of the chair is severe, but controllable. More updates on the chair at 11.
BigBoss: You know, we should probably get wild and send in some CRAZY story ideas! Get off the couch, Monkey! It's time for us to be livin' la vida loca!
Monkeysarefunny: Eh... I'm already too busy livin' la vida sofa.
BigBoss: FOOL! Let's make some news happen!

20 minutes later... in the mansion kitchen...

Monkeysarefunny: (wearing apron) ...Are you serious?
BigBoss: What's wrong with calling IZ and telling him we'll do a cooking segment for his channel?
Monkeysarefunny: Well first of all, I'm not a woman, and second of all, it's kinda gay.
BigBoss: Think about it, it's a good way to meet the ladies. Hot chicks like guys who can cook.
Monkeysarefunny: Um... is that fact, or did you just pull that out of your ass?
BigBoss: No, I would never do that. A great man once said, "Never quote yourself."
Monkeysarefunny: Who said that?
BigBoss: Me.

Isiah Zombie and the camera crew walk inside the kitchen...

Isiah Zombie: Great idea, BB! This is some INTERESTING news! It's time to tape a live-cooking segment from my own mansion!
Monkeysarefunny: I can't believe IZ has to depend on cooking-news to be relevant in the news world...
Isiah Zombie: And I can't believe you're wearing an apron. Oh yeah! I SICK turned that around on you!
Camera Chick: Alright! I hope you guys are prepared for this segment, because we're going live in 3... 2... 1... ACTION!

Meanwhile, back at Long Neck Elementary School...

Pedro: It kinda sucks that we only share homeroom together.
w00tdude: Booo...
Pedro: But hey, I can skip all my classes and hang out with you instead.
w00tdude: Yay!
Pedro: Shh! Don't act too excited, people will think you're gay.
w00tdude: ...Now I feel teh suckish
Pedro: Whoa hey now... look at those two girls over there... let's listen in on their conversation...
Brittany Buttram: (distant) OMG! Mr. Butt is sooo cute
Holly Wood: (distant) I know! And have you looked at Mr. Roundy lately ;D?
Pedro: (to w00tdude) Yup, those are our chicks. Let's make our move.
w00tdude: But wait! I'm not prepared!
Pedro: Watch a pro be an expert at his profession... c'mon.

*Pedro and w00tdude walk over to girls*

Pedro: (to Brittany) Hey baby, I ain't no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!
Brittany Buttram: ...What?
Pedro: (to Holly) Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?
Holly Wood: ...Huh?
w00tdude: Umm... uh... Yo sexy, you're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear!
Brittany Buttram: ...
w00tdude: ...
Pedro: ... *FWACK!*

Meanwhile, back at the Carlton-Ritz Mansion kitchen... Monkey and BigBoss are on live broadcast...

BigBoss: So Monkey, what's needed for this dish to be complete?
Monkeysarefunny: A large amount of tropical fish food, a length of rope, some duct tape, an economy sized tub of Vaseline, some throwing darts, a large tarp, a hacksaw, a book on how to smoke salmon, a hockey helmet, condoms, and a Klondike Bar.
BigBoss: And what about the cookies in the oven? Do you have any advice for people who have trouble baking?
Monkeysarefunny: *looks at camera* ...Always include your children when baking cookies.
BigBoss: I like the cookie dough Blizzard from DQ.
Monkeysarefunny: Yes, but remember to eat healthy.
BigBoss: Indeed. But sometimes I like to eat junk food. Sometimes.
Monkeysarefunny: ...But it's bad.
BigBoss: I ain't sayin' I'm just sayin' SOMETIMES.
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah, well... sometimes THIS! *gives the finger*
BigBoss: WHAT?! Don't you dare flip the bird at me boy!
Monkeysarefunny: I'll flip the bird at any damn fool I want!
BigBoss: Oh yeah?! Well.... FLIP THIS! *tackles Monkey*
Camera Chick: Cut! *ends broadcast* ...What the hell's going on here??
Isiah Zombie: Oh don't worry about them. That's just how they show their love... a very rough, man-love... which, for some reason, involves a salt-shaker to the head...
Camera Chick: I am SO out of here!
Monkeysarefunny: *stands up* ...Wait! The whole reason for doing this was to pick up some chicks! Please don't go!
BigBoss: *stands up* ....TAKE THIS! *slams pan at Monkey's head*
Monkeysarefunny: Oww! ....KNOCK IT OFF!
BigBoss: Oh.... sorry.
Camera Chick: Yep, I'm definitely leaving.
Monkeysarefunny: Hmm... pick-up lines... Did you just fart? Cuz you just blew me away!
Camera Chick: ...
BigBoss: Ahem! I think what he meant to say, and what I'm saying, is that you're truly absolutely beautiful!
Camera Chick: ...R-Really?
BigBoss: Yes. Can you cook and clean also?
Camera Chick: ... *walks away*

Meanwhile, back at Long Neck Elementary School...

Pedro: What the hell, w00tdude? You totally blew it for us. We had those chicks in the palm of our hands and you just... messed it up.
w00tdude: Me so sorry!
Pedro: I just can't take it anymore! I think I'm just GONNA-
Janitor Lady: *walks in* -School is over. Go home now.
Pedro: -Yup, that's our chick. Let's make our move.
w00tdude: The Janitor Lady...? B-But... she's like 60-years-old...
Pedro: Well it's better than talking to Ms. Payne, the school nurse. It's even better than talking to Mrs. Hufflepuff, Ms. Dogdick, Mr. Wackenut, Ms.-
w00tdude: -OKAY! Let's do it!
Pedro: (to janitor lady) .....Hey baby, what's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
Janitor Lady: *MOP-SMACK!*

One day later... back at the Carlton-Ritz Mansion kitchen... the four are watching TV...

Isiah Zombie: Okay, that whole cooking-segment proved to be very controversial...
Monkeysarefunny: So I guess you could say we cooked up quite the 'Sizzling' story, eh?
BigBoss: Yeah, good thing we tossed out those flaming burritos just in time.
w00tdude: Umm... you mean... we weren't supposed to eat those burritos... ?
Monkeysarefunny: Heh, imagine being grounded for nearly burning the house down.
BigBoss: Now THERE'S a STORY!
Isiah Zombie: *sniffs air* ...You guys smell that? It smells like something's burning.
w00tdude: I CAN'T CONTAIN MYSELF ANY LONGER! *KA-FART!*
Monkeysarefunny: *BAM!* ... *flies across room* ....WHOA.... *crashes against wall* ...Umm... Did you just fart? Cuz you just blew me away!
w00tdude:
Monkeysarefunny: Now I'm gonna grind your ass with a lawn-mower just like the good 'ol days. Let's just hope the duct tape works this time around.
w00tdude: