Post by Isiah Zombie on Apr 18, 2009 22:47:17 GMT -8
The Zombie Guy Show
Undead Acceptance
Episode: 80
Original Post Date: April 18, 2009
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Isiah Zombie, Monkeysarefunny, BigBoss, and w00tdude are at the Carlton-Ritz Mansion one morning...
Isiah Zombie: So guys, what's on the schedule for today?
BigBoss: I need to find me some work. I know that we're rich and everything and that I don't really need a job, but I need some fresh air to get away from it all.
Isiah Zombie: Naw, you don't need fresh air. Just take this... *pulls out rocking chair* ...Get ready to rock the night away!
Monkeysarefunny: Back the Fun Bus the **** up. That's a rocking chair you've got there. You can rock forward. You can rock the **** backward. Nobody's judging your ****. Am I? **** no. Old people sit in these, and those old ****ers are wise as ****.
BigBoss: Umm, yeah... I really need to get away from it all...
w00tdude: Guys...? Speaking of the Fun Bus, the bus that takes me to school got cancelled this morning. I need a ride, class starts in 10 minutes. I can't be late again... I CAN'T! WAAAAH!
Isiah Zombie: Wow, I really need some new friends...
Monkeysarefunny: Exactly. Go hang out with other zombies and leave us the hell alone.
Isiah Zombie: Hey you know what? Maybe I will hang out with other zombies!
Monkeysarefunny: Alright then! GOOD!
Isiah Zombie: ALRIGHT FINE! *walks out*
w00tdude: *sniff* ...C-Can I be IZ's new zombie friend?
Monkeysarefunny: No. You don't qualify. Go play in traffic.
20 minutes later, at a local cemetery...
Isiah Zombie: Excuse me, my name is Isiah, do you work here?
Sarah Zombie: Uh, no. I want to live here.
Isiah Zombie: Oh... so anyway, I was wondering if you would like to be my new friend?
Sarah Zombie: ...
Isiah Zombie: Because I'm... uh... new in town, and I don't know anybody.
Sarah Zombie: ...
Isiah Zombie: ...Like, just for a little while, just until I get established around here.
Sarah Zombie: Let me get this straight. YOU. WANT. ME. To be... your friend??
Isiah Zombie: Y-Yes...?
Sarah Zombie: YAY! Finally
!Isiah Zombie: Phew, you scared me there for a bit.
Sarah Zombie: I'll be your BFF! Your best friend forever! We'll go to the mall together, to the park together, to the movies together, and eventually, to the wedding chapel together!
Isiah Zombie: Oh crap... what did I get myself into...
Sarah Zombie: Although I can't shake the feeling that I know you from somewhere. Haven't we met before?
Isiah Zombie: No. I don't think so. Why?
Sarah Zombie: Hasn't anyone said you look like someone?
Isiah Zombie: Oh, you mean like EVERY famous zombie in EVERY movie EVER?
Sarah Zombie: Yeah-ahhh quick! We need to hide! My father's coming with a baseball bat and he's looking for me!
Isiah Zombie: Why do we need to hide?
Sarah Zombie: He always beats up my boyfriends!
Isiah Zombie: But we're not even together-
El Zombero: *approaches* -SARAH! THERE YOU ARE! I'VE been looking all over for you! *looks* ...And who the hell is this guy?!?
Sarah Zombie: Quick Isiah, act normal!
Isiah Zombie: *zombie stance* Ugghhh....
El Zombero: Hmm... I like this guy. You've found yourself a good zombie. Bring him back to the house. Mama will cook him some supper. Hurry! *walks away*
Isiah Zombie: Phew, he scared me there for a bit.
Sarah Zombie: I'm brining you home with me. My father and mother will put you through the voodoo-zombie-ritual to make sure you're suitable for me, so get ready to walk through some fire
!Isiah Zombie: Oh crap... what did I get myself into...
Meanwhile, at Long Neck Elementary School...
w00tdude: Pedro, this schoolwork is too hard for me. Can you please help me here?
Pedro: I'd love to help you out. Which way did you come in?
w00tdude: Am I too dumb? Or am I just stupid? Why can't I understand any of this? *slams head on desk*
Pedro: Please, don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
w00tdude: This can't be! I want to be an intellectual! Not just a dumb person anymore!
Pedro: An intellectual is basically someone who has found something more interesting than sex.
w00tdude: Listen to me, all I want in life is to become someone who is smart. Can I be one of those people? CAN I?
Pedro: There are only three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who cannot.
w00tdude: Do you want to know why I want to be smart? It's because I want to have a career and make a lot of money! Yes! I'm growing up! I don't want to flip burgers in Kurger Bing anymore like I used to do!
Pedro: Money isn't everything you know.... it's only most of it.
w00tdude: Alright, it's settled. I'm going to get one-on-one tutoring in the room upstairs. That way, my schoolwork won't be so hard anymore! I'm off to the elevator!
Pedro: Remember, if you die in an elevator, be sure to push the "Up" button.
w00tdude: ... *walks away*
Meanwhile, BigBoss is at the local police station...
BigBoss: Hello officer, I'm here looking for a job.
Officer McMan: YOU THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO BE A POLICE OFFICER?
BigBoss: Yep.
Officer McMan: You think you have the guts, the muscle power, and the endurance to serve this city justice??
BigBoss: Oh yeah.
Officer McMan: You think a piece of scum like you knows what kind of crap a cadet has to go through in training? And you think you candle THAT?
BigBoss: Indeed.
Officer McMan: Alright tough guy, here's the sign-up sheet. Let's see if you can make it through THIS! *hands over paper*
BigBoss: *glances at paper* ...There's only two questions here.
Officer McMan: Haha! I KNEW you couldn't handle it! What are you going to do, cry to your mommy? ..."WAHHHH!" ...Haha!
BigBoss: The first question is what is my gender. I am a male.
Officer McMan: Hmm... you got out of that one nicely. Now answer the second question before I pop a cap in your ass!
BigBoss: The second question is why do I want to be a police officer. The answer to that is because I just want to get away from it all.
Officer McMan: ...Wow... *sniff* ...That was beautiful. Impressive, most impressive.
BigBoss: So... do I get the job?
Officer McMan: YES! All I have to do is a simple background check and you're good to go!
BigBoss: *gulp* ...I've been arrested way too many times...
Officer McMan: It says here that you have an outstanding rap sheet.
BigBoss: Uh-oh...
Officer McMan: Hmm.... "outstanding"? Sounds good to me! You got the job! Your training starts tomorrow!
BigBoss: Aww yeah!
Meanwhile, back at the Carlton-Ritz Mansion...
Monkeysarefunny: Okay Jiggles, I hired you to entertain me when everyone else is living their boring lives. Now, you, ENTERTAIN ME! NOW!
Jiggles the Monkey: *scratches head* ...
Monkeysarefunny: Alright, I'll give you a mission. Go inside a supermarket and drive one of those electric wheelchairs that are made for disabled people, then, just before you get kicked out, I want you to-
Jiggles the Monkey: -I'm sorry sir, but I believe that won't be possible.
Monkeysarefunny: ...
Jiggles the Monkey: My main area of expertise is juggling. And being a failed experiment of the Mad Scientist in this mansion, it is my duty to pride myself in my failure.
Monkeysarefunny: Wow, I thought you were just some dumb monkey.
Jiggles the Monkey: You say that as if quality is quantifiable... You're only young once, but you can be immature forever. You've taught me that today. I thank you for the lesson.
Monkeysarefunny: What the hell did you say you little punk??
Jiggles the Monkey: You need to stop walking with your feet in the air and with your head up in the sky.
Monkeysarefunny: And you need to stop with your annoying juggling addiction. It's very, very disturbing.
Jiggles the Monkey: But I can juggle to the Human League songs-
Monkeysarefunny: -Hahahahhhhaaa - Human League songs - funny. No, you need to give up on juggling, it's changing your very essence. I mean, I don't even KNOW you anymore. Like they say, once a failure, always a failure.
Jiggles the Monkey: Are you just trying to put me down to make yourself feel superior?
Monkeysarefunny: Uh... NO! I'm already superior! Back when I was in the army, I used to be a PILOT!
Jiggles the Monkey: Okay, good for you. Drive us to the airport. I want to leave to someplace where I would be appreciated.
Monkeysarefunny: But.... I don't know how to drive a car.
Jiggles the Monkey:
...How the hell do you know how to fly a plane, but not a car?Monkeysarefunny: Um, because cars don't have wings, doofus?
Jiggles the Monkey: Wow... *walks out*
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah that's right! Walk away! This mansion ain't big enough for the two of us!
Meanwhile, at Sarah Zombie's House...
Sarah Zombie: Let us say grace before we eat our meal!
El Zombero: Yes, the new member must commence!
Isiah Zombie: (wearing weird hat and face paint) ...How many more rituals do I have go through? I mean, aren't 18 enough??
Sarah Zombie: This is the last one. If you say a message or tell a story that my father approves of, then you'll be welcomed into the family!
El Zombero: This is the traditional-undead-acceptance-ritual! Do it! Do it now!
Isiah Zombie: O-Okay... here's a story: one time, when I went to go see a movie about Spartans, there were a bunch of Spartans dressed up around the theater. Some chick said, "These guys in the costumes are so stupid!" One of the Spartans whirls around, and I **** you not says, "Stupid? This. Is. SPARTA!" Then he kicks her square in the chest, sending her sprawling to the floor. The Spartans collectively "Hurrah!" immediately before all being handcuffed and escorted away from the theater by the local police.
Sarah Zombie: ...
El Zombero: ... *grabs baseball bat* ...You better run, boy!
Isiah Zombie: Oh crap! What did I get myself into? *jumps over table and breaks through window*
Sarah Zombie: No! I'll come back for you one day, Isiah! I'll come back for you!
Meanwhile, back Long Neck Elementary School...
Pedro: *walks inside room* ...There you are. Is this the room where they give you tutoring?
w00tdude: Yeah, stop talking to me. I'm taking an IQ test.
Pedro: I love IQ tests. They crush the dreams of so many people including myself. But do you really need a test to tell you that you are retarded? I mean, I can do it to you for free.
w00tdude: Leave me alone, I'm trying to pass.
Pedro: Ahh that is funny.
w00tdude: There is a question here about relativity. What's relativity?
Pedro: Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
w00tdude: Now I feel teh suckish...
Pedro: As you should w00tdude, AS YOU SHOULD!
w00tdude: Teh awwwws!
One day later, back at the police station...
Officer McMan: Congratualtions, BigBoss! You passed the physically grueling cadet training! Nice work!
BigBoss: (wearing cop uniform) ...It was only 2 push-ups...
Officer McMan: As your first job as an official police officer, we need you to book those three guys over there. You know how it's done
*walks away*BigBoss: *looks* ...IZ? What the hell are you doing here?
Isiah Zombie: (handcuffed) Huh? Oh, I just got arrested for breaking and entering in some guy's house. His name was "El Zombero" I think.
BigBoss: Oh I see... *looks* ...Monkey? What the hell are you doing here?
Monkeysarefunny: (handcuffed) Huh? Oh, I just got arrested for mentally abusing some monkey's head. His name was "Jiggles" I think.
BigBoss: Oh I see... *looks* ...w00tdude? What the hell are you doing here?
w00tdude: (handcuffed) Huh? Oh, I just got arrested for not passing my IQ exam. It was a citizen's arrest from my friend Pedro.
BigBoss: Can you really get arrested for not passing an IQ exam?
Isiah Zombie: In this town you can. So, since when did you become a cop?
BigBoss: It became official just right now. It seems like I have a long day ahead of me, having to book you guys. I think I'll get comfy... *pulls out rocking chair* ...Time to get ready to rock the night away!
Monkeysarefunny: Back the Fun Bus the **** up. That's a rocking chair you've got there. You can rock forward. You can rock the **** backward. Nobody's judging your ****. Am I? **** no. Old people sit in these, and those old ****ers are wise as ****.
BigBoss: Wow... I can never really get away from it all...
