Fish Cops (2)

[Isiah Zombie]

The Bonefish
Episode: 2
Original Post Date: May 16, 2009

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At the "Fish Cops Department," Taz the Bass and Sammy the Salmon are sitting around the conference table...

Taz the Bass: TICK... TOCK... Where's Tony?? He's late for the meeting!
Sammy the Salmon: He said he was busy interrogating a bonefish, boss.
Taz the Bass: WHAT? I thought I had an intern fish working on that!
Sammy the Salmon: Oh you mean that little squirmy anchovy? I think someone ate him already.
Taz the Bass: *burp* ....Oh yeah.
Sammy the Salmon: You know, my sister is hosting a luncheon at the hospital later today. Want to go there and get some free food?
Taz the Bass: You want me to get free food?? But I've been divorced for three years! I've learned how to catch my own food!
Sammy the Salmon: Well you know what they say: Love is grand, but divorce is a hundred grand.

*Tony the Tuna swims in*

Tony the Tuna: Sorry I'm late. What did I miss?
Taz the Bass: WE WON'T go over the ENTIRE MEETING!
Tony the Tuna: How about a quick summary?
Sammy the Salmon: No, if we leave out any details, you'll think we did it on purpose. It's best for us to keep you uninformed.
Tony the Tuna: If you won't tell me the info, I will become a mole in your project!
Sammy the Salmon: We're cool with that. Sorta like a mascot.
Tony the Tuna: A MOLE is not a MASCOT!
Sammy the Salmon: Maybe you could wear a giant crab costume.
Tony the Tuna: NO!
Taz the Bass: Yes, a suit like that would be suitable.
Tony the Tuna: You guys are MONSTERS! *kicks chair and swims out*
Sammy the Salmon: So... Boss, should we head out to the luncheon now?
Taz the Bass: Yes, that sounds like a great idea-

*FBI female Catfish swims in*

Kat the Catfish: -You sir! Halt!
Taz the Bass: Me....? ....Me ?
Kat the Catfish: Yes you! Do you know of the illegal activities that you are being accused of by the FBI??
Taz the Bass: Yes, I would LOVE to do illegal activities with you and the FBI
Kat the Catfish: The bonefish you have in interrogation -- it's under aged! You can't have an under aged bonefish in an interrogation room!
Taz the Bass: You're right! I'm on my way! *swims out*
Sammy the Salmon: Umm, excuse me for asking, Catfish, but what does FBI stand for?
Kat the Catfish: It stands for "Fishy Business Incorporated."
Sammy the Salmon: Ah...

Minutes later, in the interrogation room...

Tony the Tuna: *swims in* ...You! Speak up! What have you done? What have you been arrested for??
Bonefish: I-I-I-I...
Tony the Tuna: Speak up you criminal!
Bonefish: I'm not a criminal! A lot of people think that crime is a bad thing, but where I come from, it's a good thing! You should let me go!
Tony the Tuna: Now why would I do that? ANSWER ME WITH THE TRUTH!
Bonefish: There are worse fish than me out there.
Tony the Tuna: Hmm... good point.
Bonefish: There's also worse fish than you out there.
Tony the Tuna: Is that a compliment?
Bonefish: Oh yeah
Tony the Tuna: Alright, alright, I'll let you go... *opens door*

*Taz the Bass swims in*

Taz the Bass: What?! What are you doing Tony? Where you letting the bonefish leave just like that??
Tony the Tuna: Yeah, there's worse things than him out there, boss.
Taz the Bass: But I need him in here! The FBI Catfish is drooling all over me -- giving up the bonefish means I'll be giving up a night of fun!
Tony the Tuna: I'm confused... what?
Taz the Bass: *looks at bonefish* ...This Tony-guy is mentally challenged. You'll have to excuse him.
Tony the Tuna: What did you call me? Why you big-trouted-sunuva-shark-
Bonefish: -Hey-hey-hey-hey! Can't we all insult each other in peace?
Taz the Bass: Listen up! And listen up good! The bonefish stays in this interrogation room, the FBI Catfish stays with me, and you Tony will stay away from all of us, you got that?
Tony the Tuna: Well I-
Taz the Bass: -Good! *swims out*

Meanwhile, at the hospital luncheon...

Marlene the Sardine: Hmm... I wonder how long it will take for Sammy to show up...
Octopus: *swims by* (female) ...Excuse me, darling. But did you happen to see my missing child? I swear he left my sight for just one second and dissapeared! Where oh where could he be?
Marlene the Sardine: Has he ever gotten lost before?
Octopus: Oh no, not at all! He's the nicest octopus this sea has ever seen! He's just eight legs of sweetness! Please, please help me find him!
Marlene the Sardine: ...Should I call the cops?
Octopus: Yes! That sounds like the best thing to do now!

Meanwhile, back the "Fish Cops Department"...

*phone rings*

Sammy the Salmon: *answers* ...This is Sammy the Salmon of the Fish Cops Department, currently under investigation, how may I help you?
Marlene the Sardine: (on phone) ..."Currently under investigation"?
Sammy the Salmon: Umm... Marlene?
Marlene the Sardine: What do you mean you're currently under investigation?
Sammy the Salmon: Oh, some FBI Catfish swam in and took over. She said that we were holding a bonefish illegally. Hah. Can you believe that?
Marlene the Sardine: Yes, yes I can believe that. Was the bonefish under aged?
Sammy the Salmon: Yeah...? Why?
Marlene the Sardine: What do you think the luncheon at the hospital is for??
Sammy the Salmon: Free food...?
Marlene the Sardine: No! It's to celebrate the fact that we've finally caught the bonehead-bonefish who's been tagging up all the hospital walls and injecting our patients with shrimp steroids!
Sammy the Salmon: Sounds like a lot of fun, actually...
Marlene the Sardine: Just make sure that the bonefish doesn't leave that interrogation room!
Sammy the Salmon: Well, I'll try...

*Taz the Bass swims by*

Taz the Bass: Hey Sammy... me, the under aged bonefish and the Catfish are going to eat some anchovies at a seafood place. Wanna join us?
Sammy the Salmon: (to Taz) ...Sure! Try and stop me!
Taz the Bass: Great! I'll wait for you outside! *swims out*
Sammy the Salmon: (to Marlene) ...Like I said, I'll try.
Marlene the Sardine: Ugh! I can't depend on you fish for anything! I'll be right there ! *hangs up*

Meanwhile, back at the hospital luncheon...

Octopus: Excuse me, darling? I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. Did you call the cops about my missing child? Because it really didn't sound like it.
Marlene the Sardine: *sigh* ...You know, for an octopus, you have plenty of brains, but no common sense... *swims away*

An hour later, at the seafood restaurant...

Taz the Bass: What will you be having, Kat?
Kat the Catfish: *looks at menu* ...Hmm, I think I'll have some scallops. They look tasty. What about you, bonefish? Does anything look appetizing to you?
Bonefish: Yes, I'll order the shrimp. I like shrimp.
Taz the Bass: Ah... this is great. It's like we're a family. I'm the father. Kat, you're the mother, and bonefish, you're the son. It's great !
Kat the Catfish: Yeah, it does make sense.
Bonefish: I like it
Taz the Bass: I've just been so lonely ever since I was divorced three years ago...
Kat the Catfish: Oh, it's okay. And sorry I busted into your department earlier. I was just doing my job.
Taz the Bass: Don't worry about it. Everything is fine now-
Sammy the Salmon: *swims in* --Like I said! Try and stop me!
Taz the Bass: ...Sammy, what are you doing here?
Sammy the Salmon: You invited me, remember? Then you took off without me, remember? Then as I hung onto the car, you kept accelerating and stopping trying to shake me off, remember?
Taz the Bass: Yes I remember! Don't you know what that means??
Sammy the Salmon: It means you're just testing how resilient I am! I like that!
Taz the Bass: No... It means I changed my mind and I don't want you here anymore...
Sammy the Salmon: So! *sits at table* ...What are you all having? *looks at menu* ...I'm feeling kinda sharky-today!
Bonefish: I-I-I-I don't feel like I'm in a family anymore...
Sammy the Salmon: Family? ...What family?
Taz the Bass: Bonefish! You're still the son! Just pretend that Sammy is the unwanted uncle! It still makes sense!
Sammy the Salmon: I'm... an uncle? But I'm at the top of the food chain!
Taz the Bass: Shut up Sammy! If I get one more word out of you, I'm going to fire you from the Fish Cops Department? You go that?
Sammy the Salmon: Well I-
Taz the Bass: -Good!
Sammy the Salmon: Woah.... that was intense...
Bonefish: Yeah, just like that circus fire...

Meanwhile, back at the "Fish Cops Department"..

Marlene the Sardine: *swims in* ...Tony! Where's Sammy?
Tony the Tuna: (behind counter) How should I know? How should I know anything around here? No one gives me any information! If I'm late for one second, no one fills me in on what's going on! Everyone is such a horrible monster! I need someone to be nice to me!
Marlene the Sardine: Quiet down and tell me where Sammy is before I bust your brains out!
Tony the Tuna: Y-Yes... mistress... I heard that they were all going to a place called-
Marlene the Sardine: -Oh no! There's an octopus about to swim inside this department -- and it's the same one I was rude to! Quick, I was never here! And... I gotta hide! *swims and hides behind counter*
Tony the Tuna: *cough* ...You're stationed right under my... ya know... reproductive area... and, umm... this is kind of hot...
Marlene the Sardine: Shut up ! Don't flatter yourself!
Octopus: *swims in* ...Hello there police officer, how are you doing?
Tony the Tuna: I... uh... I...
Octopus: That's wonderful. Sorry to bother you, but just a few minutes ago, I had lost my child. It scared me half to death!
Tony the Tuna: ....
Octopus: Thankfully, it turns out he was stuck on one of my arms. I'm here to make a complaint about a certain sardine who was at the hospital luncheon. Do you have the paper forms?
Tony the Tuna:
Octopus: Are you alright there, fish?
Tony the Tuna: I-well-I-umm-see-the-thing-is-ummm-whoa-now-huh...
Marlene the Sardine: ... *kicks Tony*
Tony the Tuna: AYAAAYAYA ! I love you, my loooooveeee-
Octopus: -Excuse me?
Tony the Tuna: You are the hottest sea creature ever -- I just want to try your Tutsi -- you make me go wild -- you make me want to go inside you octopuss-
Octopus: -OH MY MOTHER OF PEARL! How dare you! *slap!* I am a decent octopus! Shame on you! And shame on this department! *slap*
Tony the Tuna: Me likey pain! AYAAAYAYA!
Octopus: AUGH! *swims out*
Marlene the Sardine: *swims out from behind counter* ....What the heck was THAT??
Tony the Tuna: Well you were right in my fun zone... and when you kicked me... it really got me going.
Marlene the Sardine: That gets you going? Well I really feel like kicking you in the head right now.
Tony the Tuna: Yes, yes! Please do! Me likey pain
Marlene the Sardine: Just tell me where Sammy and the others are...
Tony the Tuna: If I tell you, will you kick me?
Marlene the Sardine: Oh it will be my pleasure.
Tony the Tuna: They went to a seafood restaurant. I'll take you there. Now PLEASE! Like you promised, kick me again!
Marlene the Sardine: *fin smack!*

A few minutes later, back at the seafood restaurant...

Taz the Bass: Now that Sammy hasn't said a word, it feels like we're a family again.
Sammy the Salmon:
Kat the Catfish: Taz... having an under aged bonefish really is illegal. I have to report back to my boss if you either kept him or let him go. What should I tell him?
Taz the Bass: Tell your boss that I let him go, of course!
Kat the Catfish: But he got arrested for vandalism at the hospital. If you let him go, then you just let a criminal go.
Taz the Bass: Then I kept him, of course!
Kat the Catfish: But he's under aged, and that's against the law.
Taz the Bass: Hmm... looks like trouble either way around!
Sammy the Salmon: Just what you deserve...
Bonefish: Or you guys can just say that I--

*Marlene and Tony swim in*

Marlene the Sardine: -Aha! There's the bonefish! Get him, Tony!
Tony the Tuna: Right on, mistress!
Bonefish: Or you guys can just say that I escaped, because that's what I just did! *swims out through back door*
Tony the Tuna: Oh no, you're not going anywhere!
Taz the Bass: No Tony -- YOU'RE not going anywhere! The only place you're going is back to the department! I order you to leave that bonefish alone! Why, you ask? Because you're about as smart as a cuttlefish! It's the TRUTH!
Tony the Tuna: *sniff* ....You're such a MONSTER! *kicks chair and swims out*
Marlene the Sardine: What'd you do that for, Taz?
Taz the Bass: *looks at Catfish* ...So... Katty Catfish... now that we don't have a son anymore... how about you and me make one of our own ?
Kat the Catfish: Honestly, the only reason I was with you, was so that you would hand me over the bonefish. It's not really illegal to have an under aged one. If I brought it back to my boss, I would've gotten a raise! See ya ! *swims out*
Taz the Bass: S-She was just using me...? That's... that's awful! She's such a MONSTER! *kicks chair and swims out*
Sammy the Salmon: So... umm... yeah... Marlene... how's it going?
Marlene the Sardine: Pretty bad. Maybe we should go back to work, it'll definitely pay off in the long run.
Sammy the Salmon: Naw. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off NOW! *snore*