Post by Isiah Zombie on May 23, 2009 22:51:57 GMT -8
The Zombie Guy Show
I Am Your Father
Episode: 85
Original Post Date: May 23, 2009
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Isiah Zombie and BigBoss are at the Carlton-Ritz Mansion lobby one morning...
Isiah Zombie: Hey BB, do you ever wonder about your existence? You know, like where you came from... or if you have a purpose in life...?
BigBoss: No, only gay people worry about that. Besides, I know where I come from.
Isiah Zombie: Where?
BigBoss: From your mom's bedroom last night.
Isiah Zombie: ...Okaaay... but I mean, sometimes I wonder where I come from because I can't really remember having a family or being born.
BigBoss: No one remembers being born, jerk.
Isiah Zombie: What I'm trying to say is, I don't know if I've always been a zombie or if at sometime, in the distant past, I was once a human.
BigBoss: So you're questioning your undead existence?
Isiah Zombie: Yeah.
BigBoss: Sounds gay to me.
*Monkey walks in*
Monkeysarefunny: ...Hey quick question: why is Soccerball so popular everywhere in the world but here?
BigBoss: Because it's associated with "soccer moms," so everybody thinks it's not a manly sport like Football.
Monkeysarefunny: But I remember at one time it used to be popular.
BigBoss: It was never popular.
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah it was; it was as popular as the Cabbage Patch Doll mayhem in the 80s.
BigBoss: Oh yeah I remember that. That was pretty awesome.
Monkeysarefunny: Yup. Riots, gangs, shootings, deaths... I swear one grandmother even bought a flamethrower to burn a line of moms waiting to get thier soccer-mommy hands on those dolls.
BigBoss: Ah yes... how could I forget about those obese, insecure, jealous fundamentalist soccer moms...
Isiah Zombie: Hey Monkey, do you ever wonder where you come from?
Monkeysarefunny: No, I already know where I come from.
Isiah Zombie: Where?
Monkeysarefunny: From your mother's bedroom last night. KA-POW!
BigBoss: Dude, I already used that one.
Monkeysarefunny: Oh... still effective, though.
Isiah Zombie: You're right, it is effective. Scratch that, it's downright pathetic.
Monkeysarefunny: What's that supposed to mean?
Isiah Zombie: It means that you're pathetic. Do you get it now?
Monkeysarefunny: Getting it is easy. Filling it up with illegal substances and sending it across the border is not.
Isiah Zombie: ...
Monkeysarefunny: ...What? Too soon?
*w00tdude walks in*
w00tdude: ...Hey guys... I'm not happy to say this, but... but... I just failed my math test... please don't hurt me!
BigBoss: Dammit boy! We're paying a lotta cash to send you to that school!
w00tdude: It's a public school, and I'm the one paying for it.
BigBoss: Oh, well then... learn from your examples! Failing tests is the worse thing you can do!
w00tdude: My only example is Monkey, and he failed all of his tests.
BigBoss: Oh, I see... but failing is for babies! At least look your age!
Monkeysarefunny: Dude, the kid looks like he's eight-years-old.
w00tdude:
BigBoss: ...Are you eight-years-old??
w00tdude: N-No...
BigBoss: THEN ARE YOU A MIDGET??
w00tdude: *thinks* ...YES, YES I AM
!BigBoss: Well you suck at being a midget, you know that?
w00tdude: Now I feel teh suckish...
Isiah Zombie: Hey w00tdude, do you ever wonder where you come from?
w00tdude: No, I already know where I come from.
Isiah Zombie: You better not say what I think you'll say
!w00tdude: I come from school.
Isiah Zombie: No, I meant... the whole "existence" ...eh... never mind.
w00tdude: My teacher wants to speak to my guardian about my poor test results.
Monkeysarefunny: Sounds like a busy day for IZ.
Isiah Zombie: What man? YOU'RE his guardian!
Monkeysarefunny: Aww Heel Naw!
Isiah Zombie: Aww Heel Yah!
Later that day... still in the Carlton-Ritz Mansion lobby...
BigBoss: Hey IZ, do you ever get tired of Monkey pulling pranks on you?
Isiah Zombie: Of course, all the time.
BigBoss: Do you want to finally get him back at his own game?
Isiah Zombie: Yeah... sure.
BigBoss: Well right now, he's at that school talking to w00tdude's teacher. Now's our chance.
Isiah Zombie: So your plan is to go to school and pull a prank on Monkey?
BigBoss: That's the plan.
Isiah Zombie: I'm in
Meanwhile... at Long Neck Elementary School...
Monkeysarefunny: Okay, since when did I become your legal guardian?
w00tdude: Ever since my parents divorced.
Monkeysarefunny: Ah... that explains that...
w00tdude: Have your parents ever told you any lies as a kid?
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah, they once said, "Your head will adjust to the size of the rest of your body" ...LIKE HELL IT DID!
w00tdude: Because my parents used to tell me that I'd be good at school... but I'm not... so I guess they lied...
Monkeysarefunny: Look Mutton Butt, what's important in life is that you are able to recognize difficult obstacles in life and have the willpower to overcome them.
w00tdude: Wow... that was touching. I remember when I was a kid-
Monkeysarefunny: -SHUT UP! Your teacher's coming!
*Ben Dover walks in*
Ben Dover: (woman) ...Good morning Mr. w00tdude.
Monkeysarefunny: The name's Monkey -- Monkeysarefunny.
Ben Dover: Right. I'm sure you are aware of the problem at hand.
Monkeysarefunny: No, as a matter of fact I'm not.
Ben Dover: Didn't w00tdude inform you of his poor test results?
Monkeysarefunny: Poor... test results? Why you little punk... *fwacks w00tdude*
w00tdude: OWW!
Ben Dover: Mr. Monkey, that type of behavior is not tolerated.
Monkeysarefunny: Call me Mr. Funny, and yes, it is tolerated.
Ben Dover: I am starting to believe that w00tdude has failed his tests due to poor communication with his father.
Monkeysarefunny: What? I'm not his fa-
Ben Dover: -Talking to each other about school is an important part of school. Just to get a better example of your relationship, I want you to demonstrate how you would talk to your son on a regular day... *leans back in chair*
Monkeysarefunny: O-Okay... Hey butthead?
w00tdude: Yea, baldy?
Monkeysarefunny: Why do you have those pubes on your chin?
w00tdude: Because you suck at parenting.
Monkeysarefunny: ...
w00tdude: ...
Ben Dover: You two need to start loving each other more.
Monkeysarefunny: Haha! Yeah right! SLAP IT HIGH! MAH DAWG!
w00tdude: *slaps it high* ...Good one dad!
Monkeysarefunny: Hey son, what's got two arms, two legs, and divorced parents?
w00tdude: What?
Monkeysarefunny: You in a few weeks. Get out.
Ben Dover: Are you having problems with your wife, Mr. Funny?
Monkeysarefunny: Call me Monkey, and yes... *turns at w00tdude* ...You should flee to Mexico and change your name. Cuz you and I -- we're through.
w00tdude: Or you can send a cyborg back through time to make sure you and mom never met.
Monkeysarefunny: Hmm, good thinking. I like that. You can be my son again.
Ben Dover: ...Getting back to your abusive relationship with your son-
Monkeysarefunny: -Dammit! Are you a counselor or something? I do not, repeat do NOT, have an abusive relationship with my son!
Ben Dover: You just hit him in front of me a few minutes ago.
Monkeysarefunny: You want me to hit my son in front of you?
Ben Dover: That's not what I said-
Monkeysarefunny: -As far as I'm concerned, most parents that spank their children do so because the child is doing something socially unacceptable. I personally think that this is just ****ed up.
Ben Dover: You don't understand-
Monkeysarefunny: -Having read about Kazimierz Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration, it seems to me that using corporal punishment to enforce social integration is just preventing personality development and causing a reliance on low-level influences.
w00tdude: Wow dad! You're smart!
Monkeysarefunny: Heh... yeah... good times.
Ben Dover: Well I must say, I am most certainly confused...
Meanwhile, in the hallway outside the classroom Monkey and w00tdude are in...
BigBoss: Okay IZ, ready for the prank?
Isiah Zombie: (clown) I don't think dressing up as a clown and throwing water balloons seems like the best prank...
BigBoss: Sure it is. It works every time.
Isiah Zombie: Then why aren't you dressed up as a clown?
BigBoss: Because I'm your supply-man, I gotta fill up those water balloons with water. Speaking of which, it looks like you're running low... *walks away*
Isiah Zombie: *sigh* ...This plan better work...
Neal Dover: *walks by* (man) ...Excuse me, clown, water balloons are not permitted on this floor. They are to be used exclusiveley during dodgeball matches.
Isiah Zombie: N-No... I'm just holding out for a friend...
Neal Dover: You dare defy me? I am Mr. Dover! I am the principle of this school! Guards! Get him!
*guards jump out from lockers from walls*
Isiah Zombie: What? This is a mistake! I'm not supposed to be here!
Neal Dover: Take him away!
*guards drag IZ out*
Neal Dover: (to self) Another day, another scumbag in the school-cell. I love my job.
BigBoss: *walks by* ...Hey there principle. How's it going?
Neal Dover: Who are you? Aren't you supposed to be in class young man??
BigBoss: ...Y-Yes sir. Right away!
Neal Dover: Good. That's more like it... *walks away*
BigBoss: (to self) Heh... IZ... you dodged a prank by Monkey only to fall right into mine -- SCORE
!Meanwhile, back in the classroom...
Ben Dover: Well Monkey, I have observed your parenting skills and have come to the conclusion that you are a horrible father and I am not in the least bit surprised as to why your child is failing his tests.
Monkeysarefunny: Well, he learns everything he knows from me.
Ben Dover: Is he only learning your mistakes??
Monkeysarefunny: Yes, and there's nothing wrong with that. Heck, I learned from my parents mistakes aswell -- to start using birth control!
w00tdude: Actually I think I'm failing because studying is so boring.
Ben Dover: You wanna learn something fun?!? It's called math! Heaven forbid every moment of your life be entertaining!
Monkeysarefunny: Thing is, everything NEEDS to be entertaining for him. I think the kid has ADD.... how can you test if you have ADD or not?
Ben Dover: Subtract!
Monkeysarefunny: Naw, he'll probably fail that too.
Ben Dover: That's it! I have analyzed enough of this!
Monkeysarefunny: Indeed, you surely put the anal in analyst.
Ben Dover: Auuugh! I'm through with you two! I'm not coming tomorrow!
w00tdude: But Ms. Dover! Tomorrow is Thirsty Thursday!
Ben Dover: I'm not coming all next week -- or the week after that -- or the week after that! The hardest job kids face today is learning good manners without seeing any! *runs out*
Monkeysarefunny: I must say, that was reeeally uncalled for.
w00tdude: Great, I don't have a teacher anymore. So what do I do now?
Monkeysarefunny: You don't have to go to school anymore. It's not important anyways.
w00tdude: Why do we have to go to school in the first place, daddy?
Monkeysarefunny: Because apparently, we're all pathetic losers who need to learn a number of things. And I ain't yo father. Yo mom be a sleaze-hound.
w00tdude: Teh awwwws!
Monkeysarefunny: The good news is that you're through with middle school and moving onto high school.
w00tdude: How's the transition like?
Monkeysarefunny: It's like middle school except girls have boobs and guys have deep voices.
w00tdude: Sounds fun!
Monkeysarefunny: I know. Now let's get out of here, son -- it's so freaking quiet I can hear my hair growing... *both walk out*
