Post by Isiah Zombie on May 30, 2009 15:45:40 GMT -8
The Zombie Guy Show
Live on TV
Episode: 86
Original Post Date: May 30, 2009
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Isiah Zombie, Bigboss, and Monekeysarefunny are at Carlton-Ritz Mansion lobby one morning...
Isiah Zombie: Well guys, I'm off to the J2 Global Communications headquaters. It's a busy day in the news world.
BigBoss: Really? What's your top story?
Isiah Zombie: The cold wave is linked to cold temperatures.
BigBoss: Wow, that's REALLY news-breaking...
Isiah Zombie: That's not our only story. Our second top story is: "Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft."
Monkeysarefunny: Still not newsworthy. I thought the story from your rival news channel was pretty interesting.: "Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy."
Isiah Zombie: You like eating hearts??
Monkeysarefunny: Nah... what else ya got on the news bulletin?
Isiah Zombie: Another story we're doing... "Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge."
BigBoss: Wow, I hope he doesn't get the electric chair penalty.
Monkeysarefunny: All your stories are pretty wack. Try working on something that actually, you know, affects people.
Isiah Zombie: S-Screw you! *runs out*
Meanwhile... at Long Neck Elementary School...
w00tdude: So random kid, are you scared about getting a new teacher?
Random Student: Nope. Either way, I'm not passing this class.
*teacher walks in*
Mr. Butterball: ...Good morning class... *silence* ...I SAID GOOD MORNING, CHILDREN
!w00tdude: *gulp* ...G'morning!
Mr. Butterball: I heard what happened to your last teacher. Apparently there were many jackals in this classroom who didn't know how to compose themselves. I will NOT let that continue!
Random Student: Psh... this guy is such a lardo-man...
Mr. Butterball: What was that young man?!
Random Student:
...Y-You're such a lardo-man...?Mr. Butterball: Good, that's what I THOUGHT you said. Now, let's get class started. Today we will start geography. Who knows where-
*Pedro walks in*
Pedro: -Oh cool, new teacher
Mr. Butterball: WHY ARE YOU LATE?! Justify yourself with sufficient reasoning!
Pedro: Because of the sign.
Mr. Butterball: What sign?
Pedro: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." So that's what I did.
Random Student: Hmm... Pedro makes a valid point.
Mr. Butterball: No! That is unacceptable! There is never a reason to be late! *pulls out box* ...In this box, I have a 10-foot snake. All violaters of my rules must put their hand inside this box. You have just violated a rule! Does that scare you??
Pedro: You can't fool me, teacher. Snakes don't have feet.
Mr. Butterball: Oh! I have a smart alec on my hands, eh?! You, Pedro, go to the map and find North America! Failure to do so will result in you dropping the class!
Pedro: Here it is! *correctly points on map*
Mr. Butterball: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Entire Class: PEDRO!
Mr. Butterball: GEEE-AHHH-UUUHH!
Meanwhile, at the J2 Global Communications...
Isiah Zombie: *walks in* ...Okay people! We have a busy day of work ahead of us. Our rival company-
Hugh Jass: -Sir Zombie, we have a new member on staff.
Isiah Zombie: No time for that. Anyway, our rival news-company is called K9 Universal Communications. They are led by a pack of werewolves and-
Hugh Jass: Sir, the newest member is here right now.
Roxanne: *walks in* ...Hi there. You must be Mister Zombie -- I've heard good things.
Isiah Zombie:
...You're the new reporter?Hugh Jass: Yes, she is. And in about 10 minutes we go live, thing is, our main anchor got hit by lighning and faces battery charges. He isn't available today.
Roxanne: I hope he doesn't get the electric chair penalty.
Hugh Jass: So, sir Zombie, we've decided to make you and Roxanne our lead anchors for today. So get in the powder room, lose the zombie-look, and get ready to be on Global Television!
Isiah Zombie: B-But I have no experience being on TV! I'm just the owner of the company! I can't be ready in 10 minutes!
Hugh Jass: Don't worry, you don't have to be ready in 10 minutes.
Isiah Zombie: Oh, phew... that's good. Wait a minute, I thought you said I was going live in 10 minutes?
Hugh Jass: Yeah that was two minutes ago. You only have eight minutes now. Now hurry the hell up!
Isiah Zombie: DAMMITTY!
10 minutes later, back at the Carlton-Ritz Mansion, BB, Monkey, Donutz and Helen are watching TV...
BigBoss: Hey guys, IZ called telling me he's going to be on TV right now. This is exciting!
Admiral Donutz: Oh, I came here just in time! IZ, yeah! He's number one!
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah we know, and you're number two.
Helen: Wait, I thought zombies couldn't be on TV because they scared children?
BigBoss: They can always paint his face with make-up. I'm sure he's used to it... being all girly and stuff.
Monkeysarefunny: Dude, we're in Los Angeles. We're not fooled by cheap theatrics. We're from Hollywood. You're either in show business or are related to someone in show business, and at the very least you know a ton of people in show business.
Admiral Donutz: I don't know anyone in show business.
Monkeysarefunny: Then you're stupid. And your hair looks equally as dumb.
Admiral Donutz: Oh, well, thanks.
Isiah Zombie: (on TV) ...Good morning, fellow citizens around the world. Our top story: The British Union finds dwarves in short supply. For more on this, we turn to Roxanne.
Roxanne: (TV) ...Thank you. To counter the dwarves in short supply, the U.S. is conducting a study of obesity and is looking for a larger test group. Isiah?
Isiah Zombie: Yes?
Roxanne: Your turn.
Isiah Zombie: For what?
Roxanne: *cough* ...Don't make us look bad. Working together could be amazing or a disaster, or an amazing disaster.
Isiah Zombie: Are we still live?
Roxanne: Yes.
Isiah Zombie: Umm... take from someone who failed a lot with girls and learned; always stick to brown products: whole wheat bread, sweet potatoes, brown rice, etcetera. It's better for you and will keep you satisfied longer. On the plus side, you won't have that 'puffy' look in your face.
Roxanne: ...What are you talking about?
Isiah Zombie: And by the way Roxanne, if I came off like a pretentious know-it-all, I apologize.
Roxanne: No, not really. You came across as an unpretentious know-nothing-at-all.
*cuts to commercial break*
Admiral Donutz: Well... that was interesting...
BigBoss: HAHA! IZ got his ass owned HARD! HARD I TELL YOU!
Helen: I like this Roxanne girl. She doesn't let the male anchor boss her around.
Monkeysarefunny: IZ didn't put any make-up on? I am disappointed; thoroughly disappointed. His deathly appearance will definitely lower his channel's ratings...
Meanwhile, back at Long Neck Elementary School...
w00tdude: Pedro! Please stop talking! The more you talk, the more you increase your chances of getting kicked out!
Pedro: And what's wrong with me getting kicked out?
w00tdude: Well otherwise... *leans in* ...I will only talk to this other dumb random kid...
Random Student: Dude, you leaned into ME.
w00tdude: Now I feel teh suckish...
Mr. Butterball: Pedro and w00tdude, stop talking!
w00tdude: Y-Yes sir!
Mr. Butterball: Now, we're going to take a test. Pedro, I hope I don't see you looking at w00tdude's paper.
Pedro: I hope you don't either.
Mr. Butterball: This is the Dumb Test. Over 75 percent have failed the Dumb Test. Will you?
w00tdude: Wow, that's a lotta dumb people.
Pedro: Dude, if they passed the dumb test then that would mean that they're dumb. If they failed it that means they're not dumb.
w00tdude: Oh... I see now.
Pedro: Damn you're dumb.
Mr. Butterball: No more talking! Test time begins now!
20 minutes later, still in classroom...
Mr. Butterball: TIME IS UP! Turn in your papers!
Pedro: But I'm not finished!
Mr. Butterball: *walks up and grabs Pedro's paper* ...What is this? What did you write? Your answers don't make any sense!
Pedro: What do you mean?
Mr. Butterball: Your grammar is absolutely absurd, and because it is so, your logic -- and further statements -- will be immediately disproved and written off as moronic.
Pedro: This is unfair, just completely and utterly unfair.
Mr. Butterball: That statement was immediately disproved, due to the law passed down from what I just said. Your attempts to humor me are completely sophomoric, and quite... boring. Class is dismissed!
Later that day, back at J2 Global Communications...
Isiah Zombie: Wow... being on live TV for five hours was BRUTAL. I can't believe you embarrassed me like that...
Roxanne: Me, embarrass you? You're out of your mind. You tried to seem like you knew everything so I just defended myself.
Isiah Zombie: I didn't try to seem like I knew everything -- I did know everything! I'M A PRO!
Roxanne: What are you a pro of? Failing?
Isiah Zombie: No, I'm priceless!
Roxanne: Shut up.
Isiah Zombie: No! NOOOO! DONT SHUT ME UP!
Roxanne: You're starting to freak me out...
Isiah Zombie: You're the hottest creature this planet has ever witnessed
! Come closer!Roxanne: Leave me alone! Go stalk a girl-scout you pathetic mess! *runs out*
That night, Isiah Zombie enters the Carlton-Ritz Mansion...
Isiah Zombie: *walks in* ...Helloooooo, losers! Did you guys see me on TV?
BigBoss: You mean did we watch you get owned on TV? Yes, yes we did.
Admiral Donutz: I stopped watching after you said green tea makes you younger. I mean, really? Who believes that?
Helen: I thought you and Roxanne did a wonderful job. It was pretty cool, like that one song.
Isiah Zombie: You mean the one about bangin' grandma?
Helen: What the hell?
Isiah Zombie: N-Nevermind.... What about you, Monkey? What'd you think?
Monkeysarefunny: Your performance on TV made me want to gouge my sensory organs out with a salad fork.
Isiah Zombie: Oh, well, thanks.
*w00tdude walks in*
w00tdude: Hey guys...
Admiral Donutz: Hey w00ty, you're late. You missed IZ on TV.
w00tdude: Teh awwwws!
Admiral Donutz: He was with the woman anchor Roxanne.
w00tdude: R-Roxanne? She was my babysitter when I was littler! She always used to say that she would make it on TV one day! I guess she was right!
Isiah Zombie: Holy crap! You know Roxanne? Did you ever get on her bad side?
w00tdude: No, why?
Isiah Zombie: Because I'M on her bad side now. You gotta help me out here! If I don't get on her good side, she'll kick my ass!
Monkeysarefunny: Naw, Roxanne wouldn't be able to kick you ass - cuz you'll be too close, kissing hers! KA-POW!
BigBoss: Oh snap!
Isiah Zombie: C'mon w00tdude, you know her already! Give me some tips!
w00tdude: ...I-I don't know if I should...
Monkeysarefunny: Ignore IZ, I think he's high right now.
Isiah Zombie: Yeah, high on LIFE!
Monkeysarefunny: Dude, you're dead.
Isiah Zombie: Sh-shut up!
