Post by Isiah Zombie on Jul 4, 2009 21:14:22 GMT -8
The Zombie Guy Show
Hunks Hauling Junk
Episode: 91
Original Post Date: July 4, 2009
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Isiah Zombie, Monkeysarefunny, BigBoss, Admiral Donutz, w00tdude and Helen are at the Carlton-Ritz Mansion lobby one morning...
Isiah Zombie: All right, I'm glad you're all gathered here. Because you're about to hear the crazy story of a zombie, a swollen ankle, and get this: an iguana.
BigBoss: Oh great. Another one of IZ's lame stories...
Monkeysarefunny: I feel like stabbing myself already.
Isiah Zombie: C'mon guys! I put a lot of effort into this story!
Admiral Donutz: Now that I think of it, I have somewhere I need to be...
Helen: Yes, me too. I have a scheduled spa appointment that starts... right now! See ya! *runs out*
w00tdude: Yeah, I have to go too. School starts for me in five minutes... *walks out*
Isiah Zombie: But it's based on a true story, guys!
Monkeysarefunny: You know what else is based on a true story? Me -- leaving! KA-POW!
Isiah Zombie: BUT! ...BUT!
BigBoss: God, IZ. Please do us all a favor and go have your period already.
Isiah Zombie: But it's a quick story that doesn't involve any reading! You look, you listen, you moon-walk away! Simple!
Monkeysarefunny: Alright, you got ten seconds to tell your story. Nine... eight...
Admiral Donutz: Yes, please hurry.
Isiah Zombie: Okay, so the other day I was walking down the street, and-
Monkeysarefunny: -Hahahah! That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! I have never heard anything like that before. You have such good wit. How did you ever come up with that? You should start writing your own sit-com.
Admiral Donutz: Yeah, I'd read that.
Isiah Zombie: B-But I wasn't finished...
BigBoss: Dammit, IZ. You've already told this exact same story during Thanksgiving, a day on which everyone agreed you were being a whiney little moron.
Isiah Zombie: That's only because no one let me finish that day!
BigBoss: So here you are again with the same damn message, and you're still a moron. That hasn't changed.
Admiral Donutz: Okay, I'm out of here. I'm not going to miss the fourth of July fireworks because of this... *walks out*
Monkeysarefunny: Yeah, man. We got stuff to do too. We can't listen to your stories all day long. GET A LIFE!
Isiah Zombie: No, I'm good.
Monkeysarefunny: Are you serious?
Isiah Zombie: I'm dead serious.
BigBoss: Dude, just get a girl already. Oh wait, no one likes hanging out with a cannibal...
Isiah Zombie: I'm not a cannibal -- I'm a zombie.
BigBoss: MY. BAD.
Isiah Zombie: But you know what? There's that girl Roxanne who I kinda like...
Monkeysarefunny: Oh, you mean that chick who embarrassed you on national television? Have you actually talked to her, or are you just pretending again?
Isiah Zombie: I already got her to say hi to me... and she was high........ on my list of names... of people... that did something.... involving me.... in the middle of a carnival... with our clothes on..... looking at a picture of you...
BigBoss: And just like that, I'm out of here... *walks out*
Monkeysarefunny: Wow, you really know how to get rid of people, don't you?
Isiah Zombie: Yeah, it runs in the family.
Later that day, at Long Neck Elementary School... in the lunchroom...
w00tdude: I-I'm scared, Pedro! He's coming after me!
Pedro: *eating burrito* ...Who's coming?
w00tdude: Starks Jr.! The bully who wants revenge on me for kicking his ass!
Pedro: You kicked his ass? *munch munch* ...Oh yeah, that was pretty funny.
w00tdude: He's coming! What should I do??
Starks Jr.: *walks near* ...Well, well, well... w00tdude... Having a nice lunch?
w00tdude: No...
? I'm just drinking water!Pedro: Did you know that 70 percent of your body consists of water? ...The other 30 percent is Kool-Aid... *munch*
Starks Jr.: Don't get used to drinking water!
w00tdude: W-Why not?!
Starks Jr.: Because my father broke out of jail and started a business for me. It's called "College Hunks Hauling Junk."
w00tdude: Well what do you need me for? I'm not a college hunk!
Starks Jr.: No, you're not. The first thing we're hauling is "Nerds Togo!" C'mon! Get in MAH trunk!
w00tdude: Nooooo!
Meanwhile, at a spa in LA...
Helen: *walks in* ...Hello? I'm here for my appointment. Where is the line?
Man Clerk: (cleaning behind counter) Sorry, we're closed. There is no line. It's Independence Day.
Helen: But my boyfriend Donutz signed me up for today.
Man Clerk: Well, we're closed. What do you want me to do about it?
Helen: Oh, then maybe Donutz made a mistake...
Man Clerk: Yes, or maybe he did it.... ON PURPOSE!
Helen: What do you mean?
Man Clerk: Some men like to send their women away to do... "things" while they get their jollies on.
Helen: No, he isn't like that.
Man Clerk: Don't tell me what it's like -- I'm in a relationship.
Helen: Really? You have a wife?
Man Clerk: Yes. She used to send me away on trips and do things while I was gone. Nowadays... she communicates to me entirely in burps.
Helen: I have a feeling this place really is open today. But you, being the envious person you're portraying yourself to be, are just pretending to be closed. I'm right, aren't I? So where's the line?
Man Clerk: THIS PLACE REALLY IS CLOSED! It's Independence Day! And there isn't any line!
Helen: Then prove it!
Man Clerk: *does In-De-Pen-Dance dance*
Helen: Oh, I guess you weren't lying... but since I'm here, could you give me a quick spa treatment?
Man Clerk: No, I don't think so.
Helen: Pleeease? Pretty please? Where is the line?
Man Clerk: THERE. IS. NO. LINE.
Helen: FINE! *stomps out*
Meanwhile, at J2 Global Communications...
Isiah Zombie: *walks in office* ...What's up, Roxanne?
Roxanne: Oh... it's you. What do you want? Make it quick, we go live in five minutes.
Isiah Zombie: Hey, don't talk to me that way. I'm the owner of this company. Remember the time My-Anger met Your-Suspension?
Roxanne: Oh yeah, like the time Hurricane-My-Fist met Hurricane-Your-Face.
Isiah Zombie: Hey that hurt... aren't you going to say you're sorry before you go on the air?
Roxanne: No it's okay. I pre-recorded all my apologies.
Isiah Zombie: Oh... well anyway, I was wondering if you wanted to go out this weekend?
Roxanne: Keep wondering. It's actually not bloodcurdling.
Isiah Zombie: I'll take that as a yes. So I'll drop by at eight?
Roxanne: Go ahead, drop by. But be sure to pick yourself up when you're done... *walks away*
Isiah Zombie: (to self) Hmmm... maybe BB was right when he said no one likes hanging out with cannibals...
Sarah Zombie: *walks in* ...HELLOOOO Isiah! It's meee!
Isiah Zombie: It's you? And you are...?
Sarah Zombie: It's me, Sarah! Remember my father kicked you out of my house??
Isiah Zombie: I honestly can't remember who your father was-
El Zombero: *walks in* -I see you ran, boy!
Isiah Zombie: Oh now I remember... *gulp*
Sarah Zombie: I convinced my father that you're a wonderful guy! So I had him drive me down here! Isn't that just wonderful?
Isiah Zombie: Yeah, it's great...
El Zombero: *holding baseball bat* ...We bring you home and teach you zombie-customs.
Isiah Zombie: Actually, you know what? I'm good here.
El Zombero:
Isiah Zombie: ...Wow, that was a really good talk. It was nice seeing you two again. Unfortunetely, we go live in two minutes. So you two can leave now-
Sarah Zombie: -What?? I came all the way down here to see you! Isn't that romantic??
Isiah Zombie: Yeah, I can feel the love everywhere. It's like a romantic bomb exploded in here. But seriously, you two need to leave now.
El Zombero: ...Nobody talks to my daughter that way! You better run, boy! I work for "College Hunks Hauling Junk." Today, I'll be hauling dead meat!
Isiah Zombie: Oh crap! What did I get myself into? *jumps over table and breaks through window*
Sarah Zombie: No! I'll come back for you one day, Isiah! I'll come back for you!
Roxanne: *walks back in* ....Isiah Zombie and Sarah Zombie.... Hmm, the forecast for these two: Random, with a chance of Wuhtuhfuh?!
Later that night, Donutz, Monkeysarefunny and BigBoss are at the park waiting for the fireworks...
Admiral Donutz: It's good to just hang out like this, right guys?
Monkeysarefunny: Fo shiznat.
BigBoss: Yeah, it's a blast. Hey Donutz, where's your girlfriend? I rarely see you hang out with her.
Admiral Donutz: Oh you mean Helen? Haha. I got tired of her nagging so I schelduled a spa appointment for her today... when they were CLOSED! HAHA!
Monkeysarefunny: *double take* ...Why, Donutz, I don't know whether to be proud or to be ashamed right now. I'm starting to really rub off you, aren't I?
Admiral Donutz: Haha, yeah. She had it coming.
BigBoss: That was how my old girlfriend Wendy was with me. I would do little pranks just like that and she would ALWAYS get back at me. Like one time, I did something wrong and she tracked me down with her tracking device which she installed in my watch WITHOUT my knowledge. It had little red blinking lights... kinda like the one you have right now, Donutz.
Admiral Donutz: Haha, that's funny... *looks at watch* ...Haha...
BigBoss: And one time, she hired someone to watch my every move. She hired this guy who would wear a floor-length tan-trench coat and big sunglasses... kinda like that guy over there.
Admiral Donutz: That's, umm.... *looks at trench coat guy* ....That's eerie.
BigBoss: And one time, I was hanging out with a few buddies of mine, like we are now, and she actually PAID one of my friends to record everything I was saying!
Monkeysarefunny: ... *cough*
BigBoss: Kinda like Monkey is doing right now.
Monkeysarefunny: *hides recorder* ...Sorry Donutz. Helen pays me five bucks an hour with free baked cookies every night to record your every move.
Admiral Donutz: Ffffff***!
Helen: *approaches* ...Aha! So THIS is where I track you down! Waiting for fireworks without me?!
Admiral Donutz: No! It's not what you think!
Helen: I'm going to hire "College Hunks Hauling Junk" to get rid of you!
Admiral Donutz: Nooooo!
Helen: *does In-De-Pen-Dance dance*
One day later... in the back of a "College Hunks Hauling Junk" cargo truck...
Isiah Zombie: -So then her dad threatened to beat me up with a baseball bat! I just jumped out the fricken window!
Admiral Donutz: So that's why you're here? I'm just here because Helen got mad at for me... for reasons I will not get into. What about you, w00ty? Who sent you here?
w00tdude: A bully from school.
Isiah Zombie: You sure you aren't just a part of "Nerds Togo!"? I think you are, hah!
w00tdude: Now I feel teh suckish...
Isiah Zombie: You probably just signed yourself up here to get free rides! I think you're stupid enough to do it!
w00tdude: Teh awwws!
Admiral Donutz: Quiet down, IZ. Us freaks have to stick together.
Isiah Zombie: Us freaks? I'm not a freak! A God am I! *cackles maniacally*
Admiral Donutz: Dude. Shut. Up. When you talk, you make a lot noise, but not a lot of sense.
Isiah Zombie: What the hell flew up your ass? You should be happy that this stint is keeping Helen away from you.
Admiral Donutz: Hmm, you're right.
Isiah Zombie: And on the plus side, I can tell everybody what happened to us here for our next Thanksgiving reunion!
Admiral Donutz: Oh please no, not another one of your lame stories...
Isiah Zombie: What's wrong with my stories?
Admiral Donutz: They would actually be kinda good if you wrote them all down in a sit-com style. Would you ever consider doing that?
Isiah Zombie: No... should I?
Admiral Donutz: Probably not -- characters would lack dialogue and the plot would be as wooden as they come... *shudders*
Car driver window goes down...
El Zombero: (driving) You guys in the back! SETTLE DOWN BEFORE I BEAT YOU THREE AGAIN!
Starks Jr.: (passenger) Yeah! We don't like hauling junk that makes noise!
Helen: (passenger) So shut-it-off or we'll shut-you-down! *window closes*
Isiah Zombie: Wait a minute... Helen is here?
Admiral Donutz: I thought this stint was supposed to take me away from here!
w00tdude: *sniff* ...
Isiah Zombie: Umm, w00tdude? Be perfectly honest with me when I ask you this: How often do you cry?
w00tdude: Hmm... let me check my diary.
Isiah Zombie: ...Oh great. Now I see what Monkey means when he says he feels like stabbing himself... *sigh*
